Chapter 44 - Simba - The Lion King
My hands shake. I can feel sweat pool beneath my arms and run in rivulets down the center of my back. It makes my t-shirt stick uncomfortably to my body, twisting and bunching so much it makes me feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin. My knee bounces as I sit on the edge of my bed and all the work I've done to fix my hair, even though Bella won't see it, is ruined because my hands have been in it relentlessly over the past hour.
I knew I'd showered too early, but I couldn't help it.
I'm going to talk to Bella tonight, like hear her voice talk to her … and she's going to hear mine for the first time. Something that maybe shouldn't feel as monumental as this, like seeing Santa Claus for the first time or maybe even when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, but shit, this is huge.
Huge.
I have to take a few deep breaths to keep my stomach from turning itself inside out, like it's about to do. My whole body is a jumbled mass of nervous energy, worse even than before I play a big game.
It's more than just talking to Bella and having to say goodbye to her, and, fuck I really don't want to do that at all, but it's everything else, too. When I leave tomorrow, nothing will ever be the same again. When I get back, everything will change. I'll know what my future will hold, for the most part anyway, because if I get held over at camp and then make the Regional Team, I'll be well on my way to realizing all of my dreams. Not to mention, when I get back, Bella will here and we'll be together.
Like really, really together.
Face to face together.
Over the past few weeks, things have gotten both more serious and deeper between us, as we've shared more than ever before, I can tell Bella is changing. Phil's visit was so good for her. Since he'd left, it's like she is starting to allow herself to feel again, try again … hope again. I'd like to think I have a lot to do with that, and I'm pretty sure I do, but it has a lot to do with Phil and what he told her, too. When she told me all that they'd talked about and what it felt like to really open up to him after being so consumed with all the pain and grief she's been living with for so long, it was like I could see Bella, my Bella, the one that I watch play the drums and dance and smile when some strange guy suddenly appears out of nowhere and leaves her messages and a goofy ass pen.
My girl is trying again, and it's fucking awesome.
Sighing and slapping my hands against the tops of my thighs, I push myself up off my bed and begin to pace, too anxious to go to her, but wishing the time would drag on and on so that I don't have to tell her goodbye. I grab my guitar off the stand in the corner and sit in the chair at my desk and strum quietly for a few minutes, closing my eyes and letting the chords and notes soothe the frenetic thoughts in my head.
Tonight's going to be hard. I'm not a fool nor am I stupid, well, not about anything but being crazy stupid most of the way in love with Bella that is. If I were to explain our situation and how the last six weeks or so have gone, I'd be committed, I know I would. The whole thing's been insane, but that doesn't make it wrong either.
Because it's so far from wrong it's on a whole other side of the world from it.
~~~~OOO~~~~OOO~~~~~
The trees, the moon high overhead, the sprinkling of stars that look like confetti the way they're all haphazardly strewn across the coal black sky, the way her building is always bathed in a soft glow, as if it's being lit up solely for me to see.
I make myself comfortable along the side of Bella's building, or as comfortable as I can be on the cool, semi-hard ground and thank my lucky stars that it hasn't rained for a few days. Nothing worse than your ass being cold and damp, though it wouldn't be the first time I've had to endure my boxers sticking to places I'd much rather they didn't for Bella. I stretch my legs out in front of me and carefully set her new notebook on my lap and her CD on top of it.
I rub my finger back and forth across the top of the plastic jewel case. The moonlight glints off the silvery disc and my stomach sort of dive bombs and then shoots straight up when I think about Bella listening to me play for her. God, what if she hates it? Fuck, please don't let her hate it.
Even before Bella asked for our 'meet but not really meet each other goodbye' I knew I was going to make her a CD of me playing the piano, and a couple of songs on the guitar, for her to listen to while I'm gone. I might be nervous about letting her hear me play, but I'm also selfish enough to want to leave her a piece of me while I'm gone. We're going to text and email, maybe even talk on the phone a few times, and I'm going to write to her every night, but my music is a part of me, something that comes from deep inside, and I know she understands that because it's the same for her. Even when I play something that belongs to someone else, it's still my fingers that press the keys or pluck the strings and it's still my emotions that spill out through the notes.
Mom and Dad went to Port Angeles a few nights ago for dinner and a movie so I used the chance to make Bella's CD. I picked songs that say the things I can't, and to reinforce the things I've already told her. I used them to tell her I'll miss her, I want her, I love her. I played some of her favorite songs, and songs she told me remind her of her mom and dad. I even threw in a few Beatles songs just to see what she'll say.
I just hope she hears what I'm trying to tell her.
I'm pretty sure she will.
I close my eyes and lean my head back, silently counting the seconds until Bella's here. Forever later, but really it's just a few minutes, maybe, I lost count, my skin tingles, my heart races and I strain my ears because I know she's here. I can feel it.
The soft slap slap of her flip-flops floats through the air and I suck in a sharp breath when the sound comes closer, closer. I hear her gasp, and then the sweetest little squeak follows right behind and I know, I fucking know she feels it, too. That sizzling, crackling energy that hums between us is alive and kicking and buzzing so loudly right now I can barely fucking think.
But I sure as hell can feel and right now my entire body is on fucking fire.
"Edward."
She breathes my name out, as if she knows, because she's definitely not questioning, I'm close by.
And her voice.
Her voice.
Jesus, just hearing my name from her lips is enough to make that jackhammer from before feel like a God damn wrecking ball.
I'm so in love with her it's ridiculous.
"Bella." Her name comes out like some sort of sigh whimper combination that probably sounds way more uncool than I'd like it to.
But who cares.
She's here.
I'm here.
We're together.
Holy fucking shit.
She giggles and I'm positive there's like angels singing somewhere or harps playing or some shit because it's the sweetest, purest, best sound I've ever heard.
I sit up straighter, and hold my breath, listening as she moves closer and then settles down on the ground. If I didn't know any better I'd swear that I can feel her, even through the wall that separates us. There's heat and electricity and just her.
When I can tell that she's situated I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I try it again and the same thing happens, only this time my tongue feels like it's about doubled in size and is like one of those cartoon things that rolls out of my mouth like a red carpet.
Shit.
She clears her throat though I can hear the smile that comes with it. "Um … hi."
"Hey."
She sighs, I smile, and just like that, I'm gone.
Not that I wasn't already, but Jesus …
Every night.
Every doubt.
Every sore muscle and sleepless night and every single moment of the past month and a half doesn't matter the second she says the first word. Whether it makes sense to anyone else how we've arrived at this point doesn't matter. The fact that she's less than a foot away from me, yet we still haven't set eyes on each other doesn't matter. The only thing, the only fucking thing that matters is right now.
And every moment from here on out.
"You're here."
I snort. "I'm here almost every night, Bella. I'm just closer."
There's no sound for a moment then she whispers, "Say it again. My name, please say it again."
"Bella."
She sighs again, like she was lost and just found her way home.
My heart, it takes off like a rocket and my stomach twists and turns so much I don't think I can eat ever again … except maybe Mom's brownies and of course I'd never, ever, turn down some of Bella's sugar cookies.
I sniff. "Holy shit you smell good. Sugar cookies, I knew it."
Her laugh sounds nothing like her giggle does. It's raspy and deep and quite honestly is sexy as all get out.
"You have mentioned a time or two that you like the scent. I see now you're not exaggerating."
"Um, Bella, do you know what you smell like?"
"Well, I don't go around sniffing myself, so not really." She laughs. She doesn't say anything for a few moments and then she says, "In all the times I've thought about what our first conversation would be like, I can't say I ever thought it would start off with sugar cookies or the way I smell."
"You forgot the peppermint," I say softly, and I inhale deeply as the familiar and very welcome commingled scent fills my lungs.
"Your voice sounds exactly like you," she says a little hesitantly, like she's not sure she should tell me that.
She definitely should.
I chuckle and shift my position a little so my ass doesn't fall asleep. I'm used to standing, not sitting.
"So does yours, though I heard it that one time in the grocery store."
"I still can't believe you saw me that day."
"I can't believe I let you go that day."
I can't help but still be a little pissed off at myself about the whole thing. I wouldn't change a thing that's happened up until now, I really wouldn't, but I also can't help but wonder what would have happened, where we'd be now, if I would have talked to her that day. If we wouldn't be here, now, then I'm glad I was a chicken-shit.
Really fucking glad because right now is pretty damn perfect.
"I'm so glad you're really here." Her voice is soft, but now that I know where the accent is from, it's easier to pick up on.
I have to close my eyes and hold my breath for just a second or two before I can speak again. "Bella, the thought of leaving you sucks, but leaving without having at least this would have sucked even more."
"Can I ask you something?"
I lean to the side just a little bit, the urge to look around the corner so strong it's almost too hard to resist. I do peek though, then huff because I can't see anything, not even an ankle or a pinky toe. I sigh. It's probably for the best.
Sitting back up I answer her. "Of course. You can ask me anything."
She makes a sound, then there's nothing. She does it again and I smile because she wants to ask something, but she's afraid to. Silly girl. She should know by now she can ask me anything. Always.
"Spit it out, Drummer Girl," I urge, dying to know what's causing her to hesitate.
I expect her to laugh, or at least chuckle a little bit, but she doesn't do either. She just waits, and then waits some more until she asks, "Is it as hard for you to wait to meet face to face as it is for me? Because I have to tell you, having you right here, this close, is making this whole decision to wait to meet seem really foolish."
"Do you want to, you know, see each other? If you do, we can," I tell her immediately then squeeze my eyes closed. Fuck me if I don't want her to say yes, but then I want her to say no, too.
This time there is a little laugh, though it's one of those that's more of an I don't know what to do than an I'm happy kind. "I do, so badly, but then I think about you leaving and it makes me sad and scared and crap … I probably sound ridiculous."
"No, you really don't."
Neither of us say anything for a few minutes, but it's not uncomfortable at all. I glance to my left and realize somehow I'm closer to the corner of the building, so close I might be able to touch her. The thought makes me groan just a little and shift from my right ass cheek to the left to ease the tension between my legs. I hear a sound, a pffft, snap. I take a deep breath and my eyes widen when the scent of sugar cookies is even stronger than before.
I know what that means.
I hope like hell I know what that means.
"Bella, can I ask you a question now?" I try to keep my voice serious, level, even though I can feel a huge smile on my face. Jesus, does this girl ever own me, heart, body, mind, and soul.
"Yeaaaaaah?" she drags the word out, sounding as feisty and happy as all get out and I literally have to bite my tongue.
"Did you, by any chance, happen to make some more of your delicious sugar cookies, maybe as a going away present for little old me?"
"Why, Edward, whatever gives you that idea?" She giggles and I growl.
"I can smell them, Bella. Now, hand them over," and I laugh, but I'm not really kidding.
At least not much, because as it's been stated, Bella's cookies are to die for.
I hear the sound of something being scooted across the cement floor and when I look down there's another one of those plastic containers full of cookies. It's even bigger than the one from before and the only thing I can think of is keeping them away from Jasper and Emmett. There's plenty to share from the looks of things, Bella's intention I'm sure, but like I've said, I'm a greedy guy when I want to be, and when it comes to Bella's cookies I definitely want to be.
"You need to share; there's plenty," she scolds but she has to know that command is going in one ear and right out the other.
"Yeah, okay," I agree, and cross my fingers.
It's not a lie if fingers are crossed. I reach over and pick up the container, and lift the corner because there is no way in hell I have enough willpower to wait. "Oh, hell, Bella." I moan, smelling the vanilla, sugary goodness.
Frosted soccer balls and jerseys with my number on them … and there are even some with Jasper's and Emmett's number on them because she was sneaky and asked and I'm a sucker and answered.
"These are incredible," I say. "I wanted some of these to take with me, not even gonna lie." My voice is softer now, because as much as I wanted them, I'm really touched she thought to make them for me. I look down to my lap and my stomach sort of drops, like that ride at Six Flags that just goes up real high, then falls real fast. "I have something for you, too."
She gasps and it's all breathless and airy and it's just … well completely captivating. Ignoring the way my hands shake, I slide the CD toward her. I watch it and I swear every ounce of air leaves my body when I see the tips of her fingers reach out and touch the edge of the plastic case. Before I can even stop myself, I lean and stretch my arm so that I can hook my index finger around hers. The instant we touch, it's like nothing I've ever felt before. Tingles and sparks and goosebumps and a whole lot of other stuff happens all at once.
"Edward," she breathes out and whatever crazy thing is happening from just one touch is happening to her, too.
I wrap my finger tighter around hers, terrified to let her go. "Oh, Jesus … I didn't … this is so … um, wow," I ramble ridiculously.
"Yeah, wow." She giggles for a moment and then she lets go of my finger so she can pick up the CD.
I miss her touch immediately. A few seconds and I'm already addicted to the feel of her skin. I'm so fucked it's not even funny.
Again I have to ignore the urge to just lean a little bit more to the left so I can see her. "I made you a CD of me playing the piano … just some songs I thought you'd like. And, ah … there's a few of me playing the guitar, too. It's probably stupid," I start to say, but the words die in my throat when I hear a small sob and then a sniff.
"Baby, no," I say and reach my hand out again, trying to to touch her, and I immediately sigh when her hand finds its way to mine. I slide my fingers through hers and I wonder how I'll ever let her go.
"This is … I don't even know what to say. Thank you," she says so softly. She sniffs again, so I squeeze our joined fingers.
"Don't get too excited, it probably sucks. I didn't even listen to it once I was done with it." I laugh a little bit and feel kind of silly and a whole lot nervous about her listening to it now that she has it. "It's just … I wanted to leave you something that you could listen to while I was gone to remind you of me."
"It's perfect, Edward, just really, really perfect."
And now I don't feel so stupid anymore.
We sit for a long time, holding hands, and talk about a whole lot of stuff. Some serious, mostly not, but it's just her and me and us. It's exactly where I want to be.
I hear her yawn and I glance down at my watch. My heart clenches. I groan, I really, really do not want to leave, but I have to.
"Bella," I begin.
"You have to go," she finishes.
"I don't want to, but yeah, I do."
"Here, don't forget this," she says as I see her notebook move toward me.
"Here's yours. You'll write every day?" I ask, not caring if I sound needy because damn it, I am needy. I need her.
"I will if you will," she says and I grin, probably more than I should because she sounds just as needy as I do.
"I wrote my email and cell number on the first page. I don't know what exactly we'll be doing, but text me … a lot," I emphasize, meaning it totally and hoping she does exactly that. "The schedule at camp will be pretty strict, but I'll try to answer as often as I can, okay?"
There's no answer for the longest time, long enough for me to start to wonder if this is all too much for her. Honestly, it's almost too much for me, but I want her, I need her, and I'm not giving her a chance to over-think this thing between us. Besides, that's my job, it's what I do.
"I'm going to miss you, but I hope you and your parents and friends have fun. I know you're worried about camp, but I know you'll do great," she says and her words … her belief in me … burrow deep inside of me and warm me from the inside out.
I lean over, not being able to resist. This is probably going to come back and bite me in the ass, but fuck it. I lift our hands and kiss the back of hers. My eyes close as my lips touch her sweet, soft skin for the first time. It's not her lips, but holy hell, it's incredible.
All over, everywhere, there's tingles and heat, and when I have to remove my lips, all I can think about is how fucking amazing it's going to be when I really get to kiss her.
"Promise me you'll call me if you need me, Bella. I mean it, please? If you need me for anything, just call me, okay. I don't care what it is or what time it is, just promise me you'll call."
"I will."
And now, as much as I fucking hate the thought, I have to go.
"I have to go. I don't want to, but we're leaving in a few hours."
I squeeze her fingers one more time, and then let go, feeling the loss instantly.
"Edward?" she questions as I stand up.
"Yeah?"
"Kick their asses." She giggles and I laugh with her.
"You got it."
As much as I hate leaving her, I know we're going to be just fine.
"Bella?"
"Yeah?"
"Finish my song; it'll be an awesome welcome home present."
"I think I can arrange that. Be careful and have fun, okay? Don't worry about me. I'll be fine, I promise. Just go do what you need to do," she tells me.
Standing up on wobbly legs that have nothing to do with sitting too long, I look out into the night. I hate having to leave, but I love knowing that when I come back, things with Bella will be different, better, everything.
"You promise you'll text and email and call me if you need anything? Rose and Ali will be here; they'll be here in a heartbeat if you need help," I remind her again.
"Edward, I'll be fine. It's okay. It's really nice of them to want to help and all, but well …" She stops suddenly. "I can't wait to meet all of your friends, but I don't want to see anyone until I can see you."
Her voice is soft but sure and as much as I hate the thought of her being alone, I can't deny that I want the same thing.
"Bella." I sigh, not at all sure what I'm trying to say.
"Besides I have a song to finish, I'll be busy."
I smile at that, because yeah, I want my song. "I really want to kiss you right now," I whisper.
"Soon," she says.
A promise.
And one I intend to keep.
I don't say anything. I don't move. Not until she says, "Edward, go."
"I'm not saying goodbye, just so you know," I answer stubbornly. The thought of saying goodbye, yeah, not going there. "So, I'll see you later, okay?"
"Later's good. Now go, shoo." She giggles and hearing that sound makes leaving just a tiny bit easier.
"See ya," I say one last time and then jog toward the woods, not looking back, though it feels all wrong to be going this way instead of back to her.
But soon I won't have to.
"Love you," I whisper, knowing she can't hear me, but I'll be able to say that soon, too.
Once I get far enough away that I know I won't turn around, I slow down and look at the notebook and container in my hand. I stop and flip open the notebook, smiling when her cell number and email is on the first page, just like I left her … and a long ass letter, too … again, just like me.
Saving the letter for later when I can really enjoy it, maybe with a cookie or five or six, I take my phone out of my pocket and program in her number. Unable to resist, I send her a message:
I miss you already, but, soon, Bella … soon.
And because I want her to smile, even if I can't see it …
BTW … what was the shirt tonight because I know you wore one for me. Bet you looked gorgeous … talk to you later! E~
With a sigh, I put my phone back in pocket.
Soon.
It's become my new favorite word.
~~~~OOO~~~~OOO~~~~
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