Watching Her Chapter 29 - Archimedes

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Chapter 29 - Archimedes - The Sword in the Stone
Though he is loyal to Merlin, he is not afraid to point out the Wizard's shortcomings and often does.

I wake slowly, gingerly stretching muscles tight from being held in the same position for way too long. I keep my eyes closed, but I can tell the sun's shining due to the red behind my eyelids. It's hot in my room, and I feel like I do when I get out of shower. Testing, I crack one eye open and cringe at both the time and the so-bright-it-hurts-my-eyes sunshine.

It doesn't seem right for the sun to shine today.

My phone rings, Jasper's ringtone of Rhinestone Cowboy a most unwelcome intrusion on my morning.
"Yeah?" I rasp, my throat scratchy and my voice as rough as sandpaper.

"Well aren't you just a big, old ball of warm and fuzzy this morning?" he teases, but it falls flat when there's nothing but silence on my end.

I don't mean to be an asshole, but I'm not in the mood for levity this morning.

"Edward?"

His tone is cautious and tinged with worry … and it makes me feel about an inch tall. Fuck. I huff, and say a brusque, "Sorry."

"No problem. Now what's wrong? Are you okay? Is it Bella?"

I still don't say anything, but I know he'll wait for me to be ready to talk. He always does. "Yes, it's Bella, and no I'm not fucking okay."

My eyes slide toward the notebook and my unfinished letter to her. With time to think … or I suppose dream since I don't even remember falling asleep and I've only been awake less than ten minutes, a ton of questions I want to ask Bella are churning in my mind.

I huff again, agitated for wasting time talking to him when I want to be talking, well writing, to Bella. It's a shitty thing to admit, but there are times when being best friends with someone as long as we've been allows you to be selfish and a prick. He's done it to me before when some crisis has come up with Alice, though I know for a damn fact he hasn't had to deal with something like this. Hell, no one I know has … and let's not even mention the fact Bella hasn't ever laid eyes on me or even knows my name.

What a fucking nightmare.

"Look, man, I gotta go. I'm not going to be at practice today, maybe not even tomorrow," I tell him.

"Edward," he says in that way, the one where I can feel his disapproval through the phone and immediately I'm pissed.

"Fuck, Jasper. I just can't, okay? It's only two days," I tell him, and patently ignore the guilt that washes over me.

He sighs, a loud, wheezing one that I'm sure is meant to convey lots of things he wants to say but smartly keeps to himself. It's not like I don't know it all already anyway.

Silence stretches. I can hear him breathing, can practically hear him thinking, and finally just explode. "Jesus Christ, Jasper. What do you want me to do? Just ignore Bella so I can go practice for a few hours. I can't. You don't know, you don't understand … she's … I just can't."

I pinch the bridge of my nose so tightly I'm sure there are indentations from my fingernails embedded in the skin. "I know I need to practice, and I will, just not today. One or two days isn't going to kill me," I tell him, and struggle to ignore the taunting smart ass voice in the back of my mind telling me Yeah, right, jackass.

"I hope you know what you're doing, man. You've wanted this for too long to blow it now." I can hear him clear his throat and I brace myself for what's coming next. I know what he's going to say before the words even come out.

"I have to say this because I'm your best friend, even if it pisses you off. If you let this obsession, or whatever the hell you want to call it, with Bella get in the way of what you've dreamed about for almost as long as I've known you, I will kick your ass. I know she's important to you, but you hardly know her, Edward. In fact, you don't know her, and she doesn't know you. You've shared a few letters or whatever, but come the fuck on. You haven't even met face to face and you're slacking on getting ready for camp, which just in case you've forgotten, is only the biggest, most important thing of your life so far. It's just … I really hope she's worth it," he trails off, and I can feel his concern and his frustration.

"She needs me, Jasper. I can't explain it any simpler than that. I know I need to get ready and I will, I promise."

"Yeah, well, I sure the fuck hope so. Your parents will be home in a few days, don't forget that. You can't keep spending all night watching her, I don't care how hot you think she is or how much you think she needs you. You have a life, and you had plans before she showed up a few weeks ago … don't forget that either."

I squeeze my eyes closed and breathe in and out a few times before I answer quietly, "I won't."

"Good. I'll tell Em about practice. If you need me, I'm here, try to remember that, okay? Emmett, too."

He hangs up before I have a chance to say anything else, though for now I've said pretty much all I have to say.

I toss my phone on my bed and turn from the notebook calling to me to finish my letter. I'm not ready yet, not with everything Jasper just told me turning around and around in my mind. I spend a few hours doing everything but not thinking about … anything. I fix some breakfast. I do some laundry. Despite what Jasper insinuated, or maybe because of it, I go for a run, in the complete opposite direction from Bella's. I have my iPod and turn it up as loud as it can go, loud enough to drown out the frenzy going on in my head. I concentrate. I listen to the rhythmic pound of my feet against the ground, the steady thump of my heart against my chest. I feel sweat pour down the side of my face and pool at the small of my back. I welcome the burn in my muscles and the spike of adrenaline that spreads with each stride.

I run until I can't go any further. By the time I'm standing under water so hot it almost feels cold, my mind is calm … focused.

Again I sit in the middle of my bed. I pick up the notebook and begin to write, letting everything I've held inside for the past few weeks out in a torrent of words.

I'm back, but you probably couldn't tell that I ever left, huh? 

Bella, I have to tell you that after sleeping for a bit and messing around my house and stuff, it's afternoon now in case you were wondering, knowing about your mom is just as bad now as it was when I read it the first time. I don't mean to make you upset, but damn, what a messed up thing to happen. 

You know, and God I hope this doesn't make me sound like a jackass, but when I woke up this morning … well late this morning, the first thing I wanted to do, and did, was text my mom and tell her I love her. The next thing I did … was feel horrible because you can't do the same thing. And you should be able to. The fact you can't just really sucks. 

I want to help you, be there for you … be your friend … be more to you if that's what you want.
I know we don't know each other, but like you said, maybe we know each other better than anyone else. I sure as hell spend more time thinking about you than anyone else. I really hope that doesn't freak you out, but at this point, I think it's probably pretty clear that there's something between us. I have no freaking idea what it is, all I know is I've never felt this way about anyone before … ever. And in case you were wondering, I don't make a habit of watching girls in the middle of the night. 
Not until you anyway.

It's scary as fuck and confusing, and at times I feel like I've gone insane, but then I see you and nothing else matters. I have plans and things I'm supposed to be doing and getting ready for, and I won't say that they don't matter as much as you do, because they do, but I see things differently now. I don't know exactly how that's possible, seeing as how you've never even see me (You still haven't looked out your window at all? Not once? I can't decide if that makes me happy or makes things even weirder) or talked to me or heard my voice. 

I saw you once, in the Thriftway, a few weeks back. I about shit my pants, to be honest. I wanted to talk to you so badly, but was afraid that I'd scare you. To make myself sound like an even bigger idiot, I was afraid of ruining whatever this is we have going on. I'm not going to lie to you anymore, not that I've lied at all just so you know, but I think we're past the point of hiding things, don't you think? 

Bella, what do you want from me? 

I don't want to push you, but you have to know you're driving me crazy, in a mostly good way, but absolutely crazy just the same. Can I tell you what I want? I want to be there for you because it seems like you're so alone. I want to be able to hold your hand when you get scared, and I want to give a shoulder to lean on or cry on when you're having a bad day. I want to see you smile from up close instead of from always so far away. 

I want to be whatever you need me to be. 

I know you're dealing with a lot, more than anyone should have to handle by themselves, and I can tell there's more you haven't told me. I'll be patient and not push, or I'll try to be, but you can tell me all of it. I'm not going to leave … seriously, where am I going to go? Forks isn't exactly a metropolis, and it's not like we won't run into each other at some point. You know that will happen sooner or later, right? Maybe not anytime in the near future, but when school starts it will for sure. 

You will still be here, won't you? Fuck, I didn't even think of that. I mean, Phil just got traded to the Mariners; it won't happen again, will it? 

And … um … don't hate me but what happens to you if your mom passes away? Will Phil make you move to Seattle? I don't want you to go. 

Tell me what you need, Bella, and I'll do it. I want to, please believe me when I say that. 

I'm not running away. I'm not leaving. You can trust me, I promise.

'Til tonight,

Edward 

P.S. - You can keep calling me Creeper if you want, it's kind of grown on me, but just like I want to know you, I want YOU to know ME.
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