Chapter 6
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"Edward, are you all right?" Isabella asked again. While she was thrilled beyond words to get the invitation to stay in his bed tonight, she was still slightly confused as to the reason for Edward's strange behavior. That didn't mean she would turn him down either.
She wasn't an idiot.
To say she missed sleeping next to her husband…well, understatement didn't even come close to explaining her feelings on the matter. Loving someone the way she loved her husband, and not being able to feel his presence at night, was especially painful. They did occasionally share the same bed, but it certainly wasn't as often as she wanted…or needed. She was a very self-sufficient woman but at night, she desperately missed the way it felt to be held by Edward. She hadn't been lying earlier when she told him that one of the few times he was affectionate or made her feel special was during their lovemaking and immediately following.
Isabella married Edward knowing full well what she was getting into. She had no illusions about him at all. Hopes, yes, but she never expected him to change who he was. Not for her and not for anyone else either. What she did wish and pray for was that he would come to realize he could trust her and open himself up to her. She knew, with all of her heart and soul, that Edward Cullen was a much different man beneath the iron mask he wore. She knew it, could feel it. She never would have been able to give her heart and body to someone who wasn't worthy of her. Of course, Edward needed to believe that himself. Even after all this time, he still did not.
Edward felt like he was out of control, his emotions were all over the damn place. What the hell was he thinking? he mentally berated himself. There was no way Isabella would stay with him, no matter how enjoyable the afternoon and ultimately the evening as well, had turned out. Why the hell would she even think about it? Edward couldn't help but feel a bit despondent over the fact that his wife didn't give him an immediate answer…no matter how fucking hypocritical that was. It was his own damn fault that Isabella couldn't give her answer without needing to think about it first.
He wanted her in his bed tonight, and if she'd agree, every night from here on after. He was a damn idiot for allowing her to leave in the first place. Well, in the spirit of the whole 'fixing mistakes and righting wrongs' thing he had going on right now, Edward grudgingly admitted he didn't allow anything. Isabella chose to leave their bedroom for very valid reasons; it was Edward's own stubbornness and guilt that kept him from begging her to return. Well, that along with his own fears and insecurities.
"Love?" Edward squeaked…yes squeaked out as he looked at her.
It was with a bit of hesitation and a lot of trust in herself that Isabella finally answered him. "Yes, Edward. I'd love to stay with you tonight."
Edward could not stop the relieved breath he let out at her answer. It had been painful to watch the myriad of emotions play out in her gorgeous brown eyes and across her beautiful face. Surprise, pain, wariness, and then as he'd come to recognize, hope. Edward still felt as if he was coming apart at the seams; the day's extraordinary events catching up with him and they threatened to swallow him whole. Somehow he knew that Isabella's soothing presence would keep him from coming totally undone.
"Thank you, love," Edward said softly as he held his hand out to her so they could go upstairs together.
When they arrived at the top step, Isabella turned quickly and said, "I'm going to get ready for bed in my room. I'll see you in a few minutes." She kissed him on the cheek before quietly making her way to her own room.
Watching her walk away was actually physically painful for Edward. His entire body screamed its displeasure at the loss of her closeness, a fact which he didn't even want to begin to explore as of yet. When he heard the soft click of Isabella's door close behind her, he turned and walked to his own room.
He was nervous, terrified actually, of having her in his bed again after all this time. Oh, he wanted it. He wanted it more than being inside of her again, and he wanted that really fucking badly. But, the thought of being able to hold her while she slept, the need he felt, actually caused his hands to shake.
"What the hell is the matter with me?" Edward huffed at himself as he ran his hands through his hair while he sat on the edge of his bed, thinking there could be any number of answers to that question.
"Do you want an honest answer to that question, Edward Anthony?" Seth asked as he materialized in the same chair he'd sat in earlier.
Edward shook his head without looking up at him, knowing exactly what the matter was. He was a fucking idiot, the biggest asshole on the planet, and the most thoughtless husband ever…all rolled into one wretched package.
He threw himself back on the bed and sulked. He was really fucking exhausted but his mind wouldn't let him relax. Finding out about your imminent death kind of had a way of doing that to a person, Edward chuckled to himself ruefully.
"I'm going to fuck this up, you realize that don't you?" Edward asked the angelic presence. He was still lying back on the bed with his arm over his eyes. He didn't want to make any more mistakes where Isabella was concerned, but his track record certainly didn't give him a reason to think any differently. He was a monumental failure as a husband, as painful as that was to admit.
"Edward, knock it off and stop pouting like a little child that's being scolded for eating a cookie before dinner," Seth said exasperatedly. "Isabella is a very patient woman…not to mention forgiving. Of course you're going to make a mistake or two, or hundred, as you try to repair the damage you've caused. It isn't going to be easy; you'd best realize that up front."
Seth waited patiently in his unnecessary chair for Edward to process what he'd just told him. Edward had made tremendous progress throughout the evening, Seth ruminated while Edward stubbornly continued to wallow. Grudgingly, Seth even allowed that it was quite remarkable that Edward had had the courage to ask Isabella if she hated him, even though he was convinced her answer would be yes. Not to mention the being friends question. That one took Seth completely by surprise, a feat which he would be keeping to himself that was for sure. No reason for the others to ever get wind of that fact; he'd be the laughingstock of his kind.
"I don't want to hurt her anymore," Edward said softly.
"Then don't," Seth answered succinctly.
Edward rolled over and regarded the being in the corner. While there was a part of his mind that recognized the fact that he was talking to an otherworldly creature, it still felt as if it was only a dream. He wished it was a dream. Not all of it, of course. He didn't ever want to wake up and have things go back to the way they were before, but Edward fully admitted he wasn't ready to die. He didn't want to die, not when he'd finally realized if he allowed it, he could be truly happy.
"You know I will, even if I don't want to," Edward replied back. "I don't know how to do this."
Seth had a smart ass comment of 'for someone so smart, you can be really stupid sometimes' ready to go, but he changed his mind after seeing Edward's pained expression. Sighing and shaking the floor in the process, the angel looked at his charge and instructed in a soft tone, "Edward, just be yourself. The real you, not the one you pretend to be to the outside world. Be the man that swept that incredible woman off her feet five years ago. Be the man that forgot about business deals and his past and let go of it all to enjoy his honeymoon with his new bride. Be the man that came home today, excited and happy to see his wife, the one that ate dinner on the deck and ice cream under the stars."
"You have to let her in, Edward Anthony," the seraph stated with certainty. That was the crux of it all and Edward would soon realize that, no matter how much he resisted. It was imperative, on par with repairing the damage he'd done to Isabella. Edward had to face his past. It would be monumentally painful and difficult, but with the help of his wife, he could do it.
Edward needed to believe that though, and that wouldn't be an easy task…even for one as gifted as Seth or for one as loving as Isabella.
"Not tonight I don't," Edward hedged. One thing at a time he told himself. He'd focus on Isabella first…it was much more enjoyable than facing his past.
"Soon," Seth reminded him, and Edward nodded, but didn't answer.
"Tomorrow you will see your father and brother at the office, yes?" the angel questioned, though he already knew the answer. At Edward's affirmation Seth waited until Edward looked at him. "Tomorrow you begin repairing those relationships as well."
"Emmett only," Edward replied obstinately. He wasn't ready to discuss Carlisle yet. How much could one man be expected to do? he rationalized. He was only human after all, unlike others who shall remain nameless.
"Edward," Seth admonished, but Edward shook his head stubbornly. "Not yet, I'm not ready for Carlisle," he practically begged.
"You don't have time to waste, Edward," the persistent being reminded him…albeit gently.
"Am I going to die tomorrow?" Edward retorted sharply, more than was necessary he would concede.
Seth's blue eyes bore into his willful charge but he shook his head in answer to the question. "No, you are not."
"Then Carlisle can wait," Edward replied, thankful for the reprieve.
"I suppose he can," Seth granted and sat back in his chair as he regarded Edward. There was much the angel could have told Edward about the man that had taken him in twenty-one years ago, but he decided that it could wait. Edward would have to learn much about Carlisle Cullen. He would also come to find out that much of what he believed was inaccurate, and the cause of large amounts of unneeded pain and suffering on both their parts.
What the angelic presence also hoped was that his assignment would also realize that not only would he benefit from making amends, but the rest of his family would as well. Much of what had happened to the entire Cullen family as a result of the events from Edward's childhood was based on half-truths and misunderstandings. But, as with the discussion of where Seth went when he left Edward, this particular discussion could wait for another time. Especially since the delightful Isabella was almost finished with her nightly ritual.
"You going to be okay?" the angel questioned, a tad worried because Edward had yet to move from his position on the bed.
"I suppose that depends on your definition of okay," Edward said sarcastically, causing the angel to let out a booming laugh, one that shook the walls and nearly toppled over the picture frame that resided on Edward's bedside table.
Seth grinned, his white teeth gleaming and his eyes twinkling. "That, Eddie my boy, was a good one," he acknowledged with a clap of his hands.
The boisterous being stood - well it looked like he floated, but that was neither here nor there - and looked down at the man on the bed. "Be careful with her, Edward. I won't take too kindly to you hurting Isabella again. You've made tremendous progress tonight where she is concerned, try not to blow it to shit if you can at all help it," the smug angel smirked.
Edward stood up and sighed deeply, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and feel his wife next to him and said, "I'll do my best."
Seth slapped Edward on the back and practically knocked the wind out of him, but neither reacted to that fact. "That is all I'd ever ask of you," the annoying being prodded then disappeared.
"Damn angel," Edward muttered.
The timid knock on the door a few short moments later got Edward's heart pumping and made his palms sweat. He was so damn nervous, and for a fraction of a second even contemplated not answering the door, but dismissed that thought as soon as he had it. What an asshole he was for even thinking that, even for a second, he remonstrated himself and took a deep breath before he strode to the door and opened it.
Isabella closed her eyes and tried counting to ten before she knocked on the door. It was ridiculous, when one stopped to think about it, to be nervous about sleeping in the same bed as your husband. The fact that she was indeed nervous just emphasized the true state of her marriage. Isabella was a very intuitive, perceptive person, and she knew without a doubt that there was much more going on with her husband than a scary plane ride home.
Edward held on to the doorknob for a second before he opened the door. "Hi," he said softly and a bit hesitantly.
He wasn't kidding when he told the angel person he didn't know how to do this…be a man in love with his wife, openly. He had no fucking clue to be perfectly frank, and it was extremely unnerving. He was Edward Cullen, multimillionaire, powerful businessman, a force to be reckoned with in the business world, yet here he was, standing in his bedroom facing his beautiful wife, and he didn't have a fucking clue what to do next.
Pathetic.
Thankfully, she was braver than he, and after she smiled and said hello, she breezed into the bedroom. Oh, her heart was pounding just as hard as his was, but Isabella had learned long ago from her Nonna that there were times that a woman needed to be in control of things, and from the looks of her rather shell-shocked looking husband, she figured now was probably one of those times.
Isabella stopped by the end of the bed and looked around the room. She'd been in here of course, since she moved to her own room. She'd even spent the night in here from time to time during some of Edward's more open times. Somehow though, it seemed more intimate to be in the room with him, here tonight, but that particular feeling wasn't unwelcome at all.
Edward stood awkwardly and watched Isabella move around his room…what should be their room. When she stopped at his bedside table and picked up the picture that had been there for as long as he could remember, he held his breath. The picture was his favorite and though she would never know this, Edward looked at it every night before he went to bed, without fail. It was taken while on their honeymoon. It reminded him that he could be happy, because in that picture, he was truly happy. The picture had been taken on one of the few trips away from the hotel they had made. They were standing in front of the Trevi Fountain and another tourist offered to take their picture. Isabella was so happy at the prospect, Edward didn't even think about telling her no and he was extremely thankful for that. The picture was breathtaking and Edward couldn't remember another time he smiled so much or so freely.
Isabella put the picture down on the table and sat down on the bed. She looked at her husband, who had yet to move. "We were so happy that day," she said wistfully as she looked back at the picture.
"We were," Edward agreed quietly and moved toward the bed.
Since he had asked some pretty eye-opening questions, Isabella decided it was only fair to ask one of her own. "Do you think we can be that happy again?"
The question, spoken so clearly, and without a hint of anger or bitterness, pierced Edward's heart and literally brought him to his knees. He leaned forward on the bed and rested his elbows on the edge, hanging his head in his hands. When he finally had the courage to look up at her, he didn't know how it was possible she was still here and still willing to give him a chance.
As Edward stared at his brave wife, he thought about the multitude of ways he could answer that question. None of them were fair to her and he had vowed to be honest with her from now on so that is what he would be. "I don't know how to be happy," he answered forlornly.
Isabella inhaled a deep breath at his statement. My poor husband, she thought to herself. So scared to open himself up to anyone, even the one that loves him completely, faults and all. Whatever demons he wrestled with from his past, well they didn't know who they were dealing with when it came to Isabella Swan Cullen. Edward belonged to her and there was no way after the evening she'd just spent with him, after the steps forward they'd made, that she was going to let them take him away again.
"You do, but you're scared," she told him. "You're going to have to trust me, Edward; you're going to have to let me in. I can help you, but only if you let me."
"Isabella, I…" Edward started but then closed his mouth. He had no idea what to say to her. The thought of sharing what had happened to him before he was adopted by Carlisle and Esme absolutely paralyzed him. He'd never talked about it to anyone, not once. Hell, he worked exceptionally hard on a daily basis to not even think about it and managed successfully for the most part. It went without saying however, that perhaps his life might be more enjoyable if he didn't spend every waking moment forcing himself not to think about it. It made focusing on other aspects of his life rather difficult, the present state of his marriage an example of what doing that caused.
Isabella laughed lightly and looked at him, her eyes warm and loving. "One step at a time, sweetheart. I didn't mean you had to do it tonight, though I hope it's soon. We have time," she said offhandedly and Edward's heart seized painfully.
If only that were true, he thought despondently to himself.
Again, he pushed those thoughts to the side. For the first time in much too long, his bed would have his wife in it and he wanted to enjoy that fact. He had time for the rest later. How much, he didn't know, but with Isabella waiting to spend the night with him, he had much more pressing matters to attend to.
Edward stood and walked to her and bending down he kissed her softly, cupping her cheek in his hand. "I'm going to go change, love. I'll be right back."
The kiss was reminiscent of the one he'd given her when he first arrived home hours ago. Isabella reached up and rubbed her lips after he'd gone into the bathroom to change for bed. Her heart was fluttering and there was that nervous, tingly feeling in her stomach as she thought about sleeping next to her husband. The day had been something else and totally unexpected. She hoped for a nice conversation, maybe over the dinner she had prepared, and that was it.
Her entire relationship with Edward was changed now. She wondered if he realized that. After their lovemaking this afternoon and the talk they'd had during and after dinner, the things they'd both admitted, there was no way she could ever go back to the way things were before today.
Isabella walked around the room while she tried to get her spiraling emotions under control. Yes, things were much different between them now. Edward was hiding the real reason for his abrupt change in attitude, but she didn't mind. She knew something had affected him deeply; she knew that for certain. And yes, she supposed a scary plane ride would be enough to make anyone, even a man as closed off as her husband was, take a look at their life and reevaluate, but she also believed there was more he wasn't ready to reveal yet.
Edward Cullen was a very intense, powerful man. It stood to reason that he would treat his wife, when he allowed himself to that is, with the same intense, all encompassing devotion. Isabella shivered at the prospect. It may have been wrong, she didn't really know, to admit that the idea of being the object of all those feelings was tremendously exciting. In fact, she wanted it very badly.
The sound of the door opening turned Isabella's attention to the very man she'd just been fantasizing about. Damn, he's so incredibly sexy she thought to herself and had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep herself from saying that exact thought out loud. And she got to spend the entire night in bed with him, she giddily thought, too.
Edward awkwardly stood in the open door way and stared at her. He ran a hand through his hair and blew out a frustrated breath.
He grinned at Isabella shyly and said, "I feel like a damn teenager spending the night with his girlfriend for the first time."
"Well, it's been a long time for both of us," she said, trying to put them both at ease. "Let's not over-think this, Edward. It's a bed, we're married, and we're going to sleep. It's not really rocket science."
"Thank God one of us has a functioning brain right now. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing here. I don't understand why this is so fucking hard," he sighed exasperatedly.
Isabella walked gracefully toward him, a shy but open smile on her face, and held her hand out to him as she approached him. Edward held his hand out to her and let her lead him to the bed.
"Edward, sweetheart, it's a bed, that's all. I just want to enjoy sleeping beside you and not waking up alone. It's been a wonderful night, let's not ruin it unnecessarily."
"You're right, love," he exhaled.
It was somewhat shocking when she walked to the right side of the bed. He couldn't believe she remembered, but as he'd come to realize over the past few hours, Isabella was a woman full of surprises. She giggled amusedly when he stared at her from across the bed as she began to pull down the blankets and rid the bed of the numerous extraneous pillows that adorned it.
"Edward, close your mouth and put your eyeballs back inside your head," Isabella said as she shook her head indulgently at him. "We've slept together plenty enough for me to remember you prefer the left side of the bed."
He glanced down at the picture on the nightstand and then back at the woman who had given her heart and her body willingly. The woman who had shown him he could be happy if he allowed himself to be. The woman who made him want to be a better man, one that was worthy of someone as good as she was.
Edward was overcome with so many things and had so much he wanted to say to her, but the day had taken its toll on him. Angelic beings, almost plane crashes, and life altering realizations aside, he'd been up since before dawn and he was just plain tired. Exhausted. However, despite the fatigue that weighed him down, there was one more thing he needed to say to her before he allowed her soothing presence to calm his body and mind.
"Isabella," he said quietly after glancing at the picture one more time. "I'm…" He exhaled nervously before he looked at her. She had climbed into bed and was looking at him with nothing but warmth and support in her eyes. He took one more calming breath before he began. "I know I've failed you and I know I've made too many mistakes to count. I know I'm going to make more mistakes, even though I don't mean to. I'm going to try my damnedest not to hurt you anymore than I already have." Edward moved and sat down on the edge of the bed, facing his beautiful wife. "I don't know how to be the man you need me to be, but I'm going to try." He reached out and grabbed the picture from their honeymoon and ran his finger lightly and lovingly over the glass. "I promise you that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure from today forward you are as happy as you were on this day." He put the picture back in its place of honor before leaning toward her.
He pressed his lips against hers and kissed her with everything he had. Edward knew she wasn't ready to hear the words yet, but he could let her know how he felt through his actions. Their tongues danced together, forward then retreating until they were both flushed and breathless. Edward tangled his fingers in her silky hair and again he cursed his stupidity. "You have always been the most important person in my life, even though I never let you see that," he whispered as he pressed a soft kiss against her forehead. "You, Isabella, are my life, and even though it took me way too long to admit it, I promise you, I'll never forget again."
"Oh, Edward!" Isabella cried and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. Edward crushed her tiny body against his and held her to him, amazed by the feeling of completeness that washed over him. They sat silently, wrapped in their loving embrace, each lost in their own thoughts about the enormous events of the day before he finally, and very reluctantly, pulled away.
"It has been a long day, love. I just want to hold you in my arms tonight so that I know you're still here," he whispered as they both laid back on the bed.
Without any hesitation at all, Isabella curled up next to him and placed her head on his chest, right above his steadily, if a bit erratically, beating heart. It had been a very long time since they'd been this intimate with each other, occasional lovemaking notwithstanding. This was different, more meaningful in its own way. His asking, and her willingness to give him another chance, just drove that point home.
There was no turning back now they each realized. They would have to forge ahead down this untested road together, finding their way, through Isabella's love and Edward's willingness, to begin anew. It was as frightening as it was exhilarating. Isabella knew that what awaited them at the end of their rediscovery would be worth it, she just hoped Edward was able to keep his promise to her.
Edward couldn't stop touching her. His fingers slid in her hair and then traced nonsensical patterns on her naked shoulder. Each touch, each caress, soothed the tattered edges of his soul and helped to break through his walls.
Isabella's last thought before sleep claimed her was that if tonight had been a dream, she hoped she never awoke. She was in her husband's arms, she could hear his heart beat in a slow, steady rhythm, and each touch of his fingertips warmed her in a way no artificial source could. Whatever caused the extraordinary change in him, she was grateful for it. She was cautiously optimistic about the future. Tomorrow would be a new day and for the first time in a very long while, she was excited to see what the day would bring.
"I'll always be here, Edward. I love you," she whispered dreamily as sleep claimed her. Edward breathed in and out a few times as the lovely creature in his arms settled against him. He marveled at the way she fit perfectly, as if she had been made for him and for him alone. It was a startling thought and one that brought others to the forefront of his mind. He tried to keep them at bay, but his mind was quite uncooperative.
"I love you, Isabella," he whispered reverently and gently against the top of her head. "I have no idea how much time I have left, but I promise to show you every day until the end, just how much."
He couldn't stop the tears that slid down his cheeks, nor did he really try. He grieved for all the time he wouldn't have with her. He chastised himself for all the time he wasted. He was thankful for the chance to spend time with her in the here and now.
"You did good," the angelic being said softly as he appeared next to the window. He looked over at the couple and his heart filled with pride and love for both of them. Today had been a trying, difficult, emotional day for his charge. Seth was extremely pleased with Edward's successes and could only hope that the other hurdles were handled as well.
"I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing," Edward muttered. He didn't either. He was so afraid of making a mistake, of unknowingly hurting her that it almost paralyzed him.
"Just trust yourself, Edward Anthony, and trust the magnificent woman in your arms," Seth advised comfortingly. "This is new for both of you and believe me when I say Isabella Marie is just as scared as you are. Lean on each other, Edward."
Edward shifted in the bed and tried to calm his frenetic mind. So many things were floating around he thought he'd go mad if he couldn't shut his mind off before too much longer so he could sleep.
"Would you like me to help you sleep?" Seth asked graciously. Edward had another difficult day ahead of him tomorrow and he needed to rest.
"Yes, please," Edward gratefully answered. He was so tired. He didn't want to think anymore, he didn't even want to dream. All he wanted was to feel Isabella next to him as he slept.
"Good night, Edward. Rest well," the angel said softly as he waved his hand over Edward's head. He smiled in pleasure when he fell asleep immediately. Seth sat in his chair in the corner for a moment, watching the couple in the bed before him. He smiled when sometime later Isabella murmured softly in her sleep and Edward tightened his arms around her, as if to remind her he was still beside her. She stilled immediately and Edward smiled in his sleep.
"Ahhh, Edward Anthony, you have only seen a brief glimpse of the happiness that awaits you, my young friend," Seth whispered in his bell like voice. "You have much to face, my boy, and not all of it will be as easy as today has been, but I will, along with the lovely Isabella, be by your side." The angel bent over his two favorite humans and kissed them both on the head. "Be at peace while you sleep, my young ones, tomorrow begins a new journey for you both."
Edward heard a voice from far away it seemed like. He felt warmth cocoon he and Isabella after what felt like a kiss to the head. There was only one being that could accomplish such a thing.
"Damn angel," Edward muttered before falling completely asleep. He missed the twinkle that appeared in said being's eyes before he disappeared once more.
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