~~~~OOO~~~~OOO~~~~
Chapter 21~
"Edward," the otherworldly being said in a very stern voice.
"No," Edward answered back without even looking up from his computer.
The angel floated closer to the desk and let his eyes blaze as he stared at his willful charge. "Edward Anthony," he tried again in an even harsher voice.
Edward slammed his hand on the desk and raised his head, his eyes blazing just as brightly. "No!" he said even louder than the first time.
"Edward Anthony Cullen," Seth bellowed and Edward quickly stood up and leaned across his desk, not intimidated in the least.
"I. Said. No!" he said in a cold, hard voice.
Seth stared at Edward, hoping to make him see reason. He'd never, in all his years as an angel, ever, encountered anyone as bullheaded and exasperating as Edward.
Edward held the being's gaze, not backing down. There was no way he was doing what Seth had asked him to do. He wouldn't, couldn't.
"You think I'm scared of you?" Edward taunted and then smirked when he noticed the angel's normally calm demeanor crack.
He was playing with fire, but he didn't give a shit. Well, that was a lie if he'd ever heard one, but there was no way in hell he was admitting that to the pain in the ass creature standing in front of him.
"Edward, I swear," Seth finally spoke when he realized that pushing right now was getting nowhere.
Edward sat back down in his chair, suddenly exhausted. He and the annoying angel person had been going round and round this topic for days now and he had yet to budge an inch. It made him irritable and quick-tempered and from the strange looks he'd gotten from everyone from Donna to Jasper to Isabella, he knew they'd all about had enough.
Still, he wasn't about to give in and do what Seth asked of him.
"You have to do it sooner or later, Edward, and you know sooner is the only option you have at this time. As much as you want to try to fight it, you're only delaying the inevitable," Seth said in a much gentler voice.
Seth rolled his eyes heavenward hoping to find the patience he needed. He'd known all along that this particular discussion was going to be hard, but he'd never expected this much resistance from Edward. Damn human was still surprising him left and right, though he surely could have done without this particular roadblock.
Edward grunted when Seth gave him the same speech he'd given him time and time again already, though this time he hated to admit it hit its mark more directly than any of the others. The angel was wearing him down, but he'd be damned if he would ever let Seth know that.
"Am I going to die today?" Edward demanded abruptly.
"I don't know," Seth said and noted with pleasure when Edward blanched at that vague statement.
He was tired of playing this foolhardy game with his young charge. Edward was teetering very closely toward undoing everything he'd managed to accomplish and there was no way Seth was letting that happen. His stubborn friend would find out just how much he was unwilling if he wasn't careful. After more than a hundred and fifty years, Seth had encountered more than his fair share of obstinate humans, but none as stubborn as the man across from him.
Edward sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He still wasn't about to give in, at least not right at the moment. He was smart enough to realize that what Seth wanted needed to be done, but he just wasn't ready yet. Hell, he'd never be ready, but certainly not now.
There was a knock on the door and Edward looked up and smiled when his gorgeous wife walked into his office. He immediately felt better seeing her but it was short-lived when he noticed that her smile wasn't as bright and loving as it normally was. Fuck, he thought. He knew he'd been acting more like the old Edward lately but he didn't realize how much it had affected her until he saw her halfhearted smile.
"Hi, Beautiful," he said softly, hoping it would put a smile back on her face...and ease his conscience.
His stomach sank when it didn't. In fact the endearment seemed to cause her to frown.
Damn he was such an ass.
"Hello," she said quietly in a voice laced with hurt, sadness, and anger, too, he noticed with a heavy heart.
"Isabella, I," he started to say but was interrupted when the others walked into the office for their daily status meeting.
Ignoring the urge to tell everyone to get the hell out of his office so he could try and talk to her, he got the meeting underway. He studiously ignored the pointed looks the ever-present angel gave him throughout the meeting. He damn sure ignored the snort he heard when he snapped at Jasper as well as the huff when he cut off Emmett in the middle of a sentence. When he interrupted Isabella as she was trying to explain something, the growl the angel let loose shook the windows and Edward was extremely grateful he was the only one that heard it. There was no telling what the others would have thought had they heard it as well.
Edward glanced at the very thunderous-looking face of Seth and hissed, "Don't even say it."
"Your funeral," the angel said succinctly, not even trying to temper his emotions in the least.
The hole Edward was digging for himself was getting deeper and deeper and he knew it. It didn't mean he was going to stop being so damn stubborn though because that would be too fucking easy. No, he was just going to keep right on ignoring the angel and the fact his mind was screaming at him to knock it the hell off.
He was obviously a fucking idiot.
The meeting ended and everyone seemed on edge, a fact which Edward recognized with a great amount of guilt.
"Edward, man," Jasper said with a shake of his head when he caught his eye.
Edward held up a hand and said, "Not now, Jasper."
Jasper sighed as he saw his best friend's shoulders sag. He had been worried all week as he watched Edward revert back to his old habits. He'd tried to talk to him, only to be shut out completely. Apparently, he was sad to say when he looked at Isabella, he wasn't the only one.
He walked closer to Edward and leaned in next to his ear. "I don't know what the hell has gotten into you the past few days, but if you don't pull your head out of your ass and talk to me, Emmett, or Isabella, I'll pull it out myself and it won't feel fucking good. Knock it the fuck off, Edward, and stop shutting all of us out."
It had been some time since Jasper had talked to him in that deadly calm voice and Edward had forgotten how damn menacing he could sound. "Jas," Edward said quietly.
"I don't want to hear it, Edward. Talk to her. Just keep in mind, if she doesn't have a smile on her face the next time I see her instead of the heartbroken look she has now, I'm kicking your damn ass," Jasper said then walked off before he said something he would regret.
"Bella, darlin', come find me tomorrow and we'll go over the new contracts we're giving the featured authors," Jasper told her as he approached.
She tried to smile at him, but it didn't look much at all like one. "Sounds good, Jasper," she answered him.
His fingers turned into a tight fist and he shot Edward a withering glance before he wrapped his arms around her for a hug. "It'll be okay, darlin'. I'm here if you need me, okay?" he reminded her quietly.
He was Edward's best friend, but in this case, Edward was on his own. Until he knew what the hell was causing Edward to act like a damn fool, he was firmly on Isabella's side.
"Thank you," she whispered and kissed his cheek.
Jasper patted her on the back and kissed the top of her head before striding out of the office, but not before hissing, "Fix it, Edward. Now," when he walked past.
Edward hung his head when he noticed the others doing pretty much the same thing. Rallying the troops so to speak and judging by the way they all left without saying one word to him, he was most definitely the enemy.
When he picked his head up, the office was empty, save for his wife. She was standing with her back to him and looking out the windows. He assumed anyway, because he couldn't see her face.
"I don't know what has been going on with you the past few days, but I'm not going back to the way things were before, Edward. I put up with it for five damn years, and I refuse to do it again," she said in an even voice that was laced with so much hurt it brought tears to his eyes.
"Love...I," he tried to say but the words caught in his throat when she whipped her head around and looked at him.
She shook her head. "No, Edward. I don't want to hear an excuse and I damn sure don't want to hear an apology. The only words I want to hear out of your mouth is an explanation of what has bothered you so badly this week you've been snapping at everyone, even me, and keeping yourself holed up in your office here and at home. I thought we were past this," she said sadly.
Christ, he felt like the world's biggest asshole; a moniker he'd gladly accept now after hearing how hurt and sad she sounded.
"Isabella," he tried again and waited until she looked at him. The brown eyes that always shined with so much love for him now were clouded with anxiety and fear and it completely wrecked him. "Fuck," he muttered scathingly, though only at himself.
He stepped forward, intending to reach out and take her hand but she stepped backward and that almost brought him to his knees.
"I've given you plenty of time to come to me to tell me what has been bothering you and you've just pulled farther and farther away. I can't make you talk to me, Edward, but I certainly think after all you've put me through, I deserve it," she said as she swallowed a sob.
She walked past him and toward the door and he called out, "Wait, where are you going? Will I see you at home?"
He was frantic, thinking if she walked out the door he'd never see her again. Totally irrational a part of his brain was yelling at him, but the fact that his heart was racing and he felt sick to his stomach seemed to agree with his irrationality.
She kept her hand on the doorknob and he watched her take a deep breath, though she didn't turn around to look at him. "I'll be home...later," she said evasively then walked out the door, closing it softly behind her.
He stood, unable to move and stared at the heavy wood door as if somehow just by willing her to, she would walk back in. When minutes passed by and she didn't come back, he leaned on his desk, hanging his head and cursing himself to hell and back.
"Oh, God, what the hell have I done?" he cried out in pain between heaving breaths.
Seth floated and then stopped in front of Edward. Shaking his head he said, "The list is too long to even tell you, Edward Anthony. Come on, stand up straight."
Edward picked his head up and looked at him, thankful that his voice was at least somewhat gentle. It still sounded like waves crashing against rocks in the middle of a thunderstorm but he wasn't growling any longer. He would take what he could get.
~~~~OOO~~~~OOO~~~~
Isabella leaned her head back against the door once it was shut and took a long stuttering breath, and tried to keep from turning around and going back into his office.
She pinched her eyes closed, feeling the burn of her tears leaking from the corners. Quickly, she picked her head up and made sure no one noticed her lose her composure. That would be all she and Edward needed. Her stomach clenched when she thought about him and how devastated he'd looked when she said she was leaving, but no matter how badly she wanted to comfort him, she couldn't.
She was mad and hurt and confused and she needed some time away from him.
Standing up straighter and purposely not looking in Donna's direction, she walked to her office, gathered her things, and headed toward the parking garage. By the time she sat behind the wheel of her car, her shoulders hurt from the tension she refused to let go of and her head was pounding due to the effort to keep herself from breaking down. She pulled out of her parking space and turned in the direction of the one place she knew she needed to go.
Driving quickly through downtown Chicago, she kept it together. When she got stuck in traffic for a few minutes and sappy song after sappy song came on the radio, she stayed strong, flicking the offensive music off with a flick of her thumb against the button. Even when some idiot cut her off and barely missed clipping the front of her car, she resisted the urge to let go. It wasn't until the traffic had thinned out and she reached for her phone at a stop light that the torrent of tears finally came. There on the screen was a text message from Edward that said,
I'm so sorry, Beautiful. For everything. I love you, please come home to me. Always, E~
The words were sweet and in all honesty exactly what she needed to hear, but she wasn't giving in to the relief she wanted to feel. No, she was mad and she was hurt and she was not going to let him off the hook that easily. She was fucking tired, she angrily thought as she swiped at her eyes to brush the tears away. Tired of always giving and being so patient. Tired of loving him so much that she overlooked his many flaws. Tired of always forgiving him for every damn thing he'd ever done wrong.
She drove and refused to think about him, knowing as soon as she arrived at her destination she'd have to spend plenty of time doing just that. Driving down the familiar road she could feel some of the tension leaving her shoulders and she took a deep breath when she pulled the car to a stop. She couldn't help but smile when she saw Nonna in the front yard pruning the roses to get them ready for the fall.
"Isabella," Gianna called warmly to her granddaughter. Her eyes narrowed when she saw that Isabella had been crying and took off her gloves and set down her pruning shears.
She waited for Isabella to reach her and then said, "Perfect timing, dear. I was just finishing up. I'm in the mood for biscotti and you can help roll out the dough."
They walked into Charlie and Reneé's house. As much as Isabella loved her parents, she was very relieved that today was their normal date night and wouldn't be home for a few hours. She needed her Nonna and her sage advice, not her mother's, even though it was always offered with the best of intentions.
"I have a feeling this is going to take awhile. Why don't you see if there are some clothes in your old room and change?" Gianna told Isabella with a knowing smile.
Isabella nodded and went to do as her grandmother asked while Gianna went to the kitchen. She filled the teapot with water and set it on the stove to boil; there was nothing better than a soothing cup of chamomile tea in her opinion and from the red-rimmed eyes, red-tipped nose, and splotchy cheeks on her granddaughter, she was sure Isabella needed it.
"Oh, Edward," she said quietly, "what have you done now?"
She had no doubt that whatever caused the tears had something to do with Edward. Isabella was never one to cry, she never had been, so she knew that whatever was going on had been building for quite some time. She got busy pulling ingredients and mixing bowls and cups out and set them on the island.
Isabella sighed when she walked back in the kitchen, though she felt better already. She'd changed into an old pair of soccer shorts and a t-shirt from college. She'd pulled her hair up in a ponytail and washed her face hoping to get rid of a bit of telltale redness, though she knew her Nonna had already noticed. She noticed everything.
Neither woman spoke for some time. Gianna was letting Isabella work through what she wanted to tell her and would patiently wait until she was ready. She enjoyed the silence and the comfort that working in the kitchen with her granddaughter brought. They didn't do it enough anymore and she missed the quiet times they used to spend, just the two of them. Isabella on the other hand was grateful for the time to just lose herself in the motion of rolling the dough while she worked side by side with Nonna. She knew she wanted to talk to her, but for the time being, she was satisfied with saying nothing at all.
They finished up the prep work and then began slicing the loaves of biscotti. Once that was done, Gianna looked at Isabella and said, "Time for tea, then you can tell me what has you so upset. Get the teacups and saucers and I'll fix us a snack."
Isabella smiled at Nonna and did what she was told. She grabbed the dishes and set them on the table and sat, waiting to begin their talk. She realized she probably should have done this a while ago, especially since she'd had a number of things that had been bothering her for some time. She sighed; she and Edward were quite the pair sometimes, no question about it.
Once the tea had been poured, Gianna wasted no time. "What's going on, Isabella? It's not like you to get so upset. I know it has something to do with your Edward so why don't you start at the beginning and tell me everything," she said.
Isabella took a small sip of her tea and tried to decide where to start, then began. "Nonna, I don't know where to start. I'm so mad at Edward. He's been acting strange all week and he won't talk to me. In the meeting today he snapped at both Jasper and Emmett and then he and Jasper had words when it was over. I've tried to talk to him and he won't tell me what's been bothering him. I don't..." she said and took a deep breath. "I can't take it if he changes back to the way he used to be. I love him, so much...but...I just...can't."
~~~~OOO~~~~OOO~~~~
While Isabella was driving to go see her Nonna, Seth was busy trying not to kick Edward's ass from Chicago all the way to kingdom come.
"Edward, come on; we're leaving for the day. You've already pissed everyone off anyway, no use staying around and wallowing," Seth said when Edward was finally standing up straight.
Edward could only nod at the bossy seraph and grabbed his cell phone off his desk. He typed out a quick message to Isabella, even though he had no idea if she would even read it. With how angry and hurt she was when she left, he was afraid if she did read it, it wouldn't be anytime soon.
Seth managed to get Edward out of the office and instead of getting in the car with Peter, they walked. He turned them in the direction of Grant Park and they walked in silence for a time. The angel was annoyed with his charge, of that there was no doubt, but he was as much, if not more, annoyed with himself. He had made many mistakes thus far where Edward was concerned and the actions today were as much his fault as Edward's.
Oh, how he hated to admit that, but it was true nonetheless.
They continued to walk, each lost in their own thoughts until finally they reached a bench and sat down. Seth noted with a loud sigh the way Edward slumped as he sat but still said nothing for a time. He watched the water and the rainbows reflecting in the mist. Normally it would be a sight that brought him peace, but there wasn't much of that to be found today he was afraid.
"Edward Anthony," Seth began gently, "I have failed you."
Edward heard the words but did nothing to acknowledge them. He didn't necessarily believe the angel, but he wasn't about to try to ease the guilt he heard in Seth's voice either.
"I have been with you almost your whole life, Edward, and because of that, I know you better than anyone, better probably even than you know yourself. I understand what makes you tick, what causes you pain...what causes you to pull away and hide like you have these past few days. I knew the conversation I wanted you to have with Isabella would be difficult for you, maybe even just as hard as talking to her about your parents, and I should have done more to prepare you. I've been guilty of being caught up in your happiness, which means more to me than anything, but it has also made me extremely lax when it comes to preparing you for what else you must face and do in the time you have left. There are things you deserve to know and things I should have talked to you about well before now and I haven't. For that, I am truly sorry," Seth told him honestly.
Edward sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair. He looked around at all the people walking around the park. He wondered, briefly, if everyone had a "Seth" to watch over them, but then let the thought go. There was too much other stuff he needed to think about.
"For what it's worth, I know you were only trying to make me do something that should have been done a long time ago with regard to Isabella. It's not your fault I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend none of this happening," Edward grudgingly admitted.
"She'll make a hell of a CEO," Seth told him with a grin.
Edward couldn't help but smile back, remembering with much pleasure the way his amazing wife had handled Vincent the snake. As soon as he'd gotten to the office on Monday following their incredible opera weekend, it seemed like the entire building was buzzing with stories of how well she'd done...how poised and confident she was...and how protective she was not only of him but of the entire company. Everyone loved her before, but once they had heard about what she'd done and said, she'd been elevated to exalted.
The very first meeting of the week, Emmett had made a comment in passing about being glad Isabella was there to take over if anything ever happened to Edward and that started the ball rolling. Jasper, Alec, and Marcus all added their two-cents worth, singing her praises and well, the annoying angel person was practically bursting with pride for her. He, however, was not. Oh, he was so fucking proud of her, not to mention being in awe and just downright turned on...as evidenced by the incredible night they spent making love and well into the next morning, too. It was just that facing the reality that he wouldn't be there to continue running things for much longer had finally, it seemed, really hit home.
Cullen Publishing would go on without him, most likely with Isabella at the helm. Jasper, Emmett, Alec, and Marcus would continue to work side by side with her and he had no doubt the company would continue to grow and be even more successful than it had ever been. Her life would go on without him, and he found himself wondering if she would busy herself with work to hide her grief, or if she would find another way to ease her pain.
Emmett and Rose might mourn his death, but they had two small children that relied on them, so they would have to move on as well. The same went for Jasper and Alice as well as Alec and Marcus...and even for Carlisle and Esme. He'd come a long way, he knew, since the appearance of the being beside him, but he knew he still had so much to make up for. On top of that, realizing that all their lives would go on without him made him sadder than he could express. He'd wasted so much time being angry at his parents and wallowing in his own bitterness and hurt that he'd missed living...really living.
It was a hell of a pill to swallow.
Not to mention dealing with out-of-body experiences which he still didn't have an answer about, knowing that he was going to have to tell Isabella, Carlisle, and Esme about his time in Ireland, and top that off with needing to name Isabella his successor at CP...it had been an overwhelming amount of things to process and handle...and no one knew better than him how badly he'd done all of the above.
He did what he always did; he withdrew. He could blame Seth for not giving him answers he deserved, but like he'd told Jasper in regard to Anna, it was too easy to do that. Seth might have been too caught up in his happiness, but Edward was just as willing to let him if that meant he didn't have to face the real reason for Seth's presence in the first place.
Edward pulled his phone out of his pocket and frowned when there was no message from Isabella. He moved to push a button to call her, but was stopped when Seth said, "She's fine, Edward. She's with Nonna. Leave her be for a bit; she needs time to think."
He put his phone away, not even questioning how Seth knew that. He just figured it was more angelic mumbo jumbo. "What if she doesn't come back?" he asked quietly.
Seth let out a big gust of air that blew across the ground. Edward snorted when a very pretty woman who just happened to be walking by had to hold her skirt down with her hand. Seth's eyes twinkled, totally unashamed and he shrugged his shoulders.
The angel really did enjoy pushing Edward's buttons.
"My friend, she can no more leave you than you could her. Just because she's angry with you doesn't mean she's all of a sudden stopped loving you. It's a lesson you would have been well-served to have learned a long time ago, Edward," Seth chided, though it was gently.
"Yeah, well, where in the hell would I have ever learned that?" Edward snapped.
"You make a good point. Obviously Liam and Maggie never learned that lesson. Your father used your mother's blind devotion to him in the worst possible ways. When he said jump, he expected her to jump without question. If he wanted to go out, they went out; if he wanted roast beef and potatoes, that's what was for dinner. If he thought she was focusing too much attention on you, she stopped and focused on him. They were both incredibly selfish people, Edward, but neither you nor Isabella are like them," Seth told him and then took a breath.
"All your life, first with Liam and Maggie, and then with William, you thought that in order to be loved, you had to be perfect. If you only tried harder in school, or made better grades, or learned one more language or read one more book, your parents would suddenly show you the attention you so desperately craved. With William, you thought that if you did as he asked and acted as he wanted, you would finally be accepted and treated as more than an afterthought. Edward you have always been worthy of love, you've just never been told that enough so that you believe it. Isabella has always known it, but you haven't let her show you, until recently. Believe it or not, Esme, Emmett, and even Carlisle in his own way, have always believed that, too," he said with a shake of his head.
"You're not going to tell me how to fix this whole thing with Carlisle and Esme are you?" Edward asked after he'd spent a few minutes digesting the words the angel had just spoken.
Seth grunted and then flashed Edward a beaming smile. "What do you think, Eddie?" he cheekily asked.
"That's what I was afraid of."
"Look, Edward, I don't want to put any more pressure on you than I have already," the being said and even he had to laugh at the way that sounded.
Honestly, was there anything that could compete with having a limited amount of time left to fix all the mistakes of your past?
Once he'd acknowledged Edward's snort with a grin he continued. "Your whole family's ability to lay the ghosts of the past finally and fully to rest lies with your willingness to forgive Esme and Carlisle for what they did and didn't do. You also must come to terms with the behavior of your parents and forgive them as well. As much as I would love to grant you the peace of mind I know you want by telling you all this can be done, I'm afraid I can't do that, Edward. Only you can decide if you've had enough and are ready to move forward with your family by your side."
"What good, really, is all of that, if I'm not here to enjoy it?" Edward asked pointedly.
Seth looked at him and then looked at the crowd of people in the park. "Edward Anthony, look at that," the angel ordered.
Edward looked in the direction the angel was pointing at and noticed a family of four having a picnic. The little boy and girl couldn't have been any older than Jack and Emma and watching them, even for a moment, made Edward smile. Then he saw an elderly couple that had to be even older than Nonna, walking slowly, but holding hands. His gaze moved from them to a guy and girl that were in their early twenties and were apparently in the middle of a rather heated argument. A group of teenagers passed them and Edward couldn't help but notice how young and happy they looked.
"Life is precious, my friend. Anyone of those people could die by this time tomorrow. They could get in a car accident on their way home from the park; they could get attacked on the L; they could slip and fall and hit their head and never wake up. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, Edward, but even if you only had one day, one day in which you, Isabella, and your family were at peace, wouldn't that be worth everything?"
Edward didn't say anything for the longest time and Seth let him be. The angel knew this was the turning point that everything hinged on. Either Edward would go forward, fully ready to face his past with Isabella by his side and deal with the trauma of his childhood or he would resist and risk not only his peace but that of everyone he loved. It was a choice only Edward could make and no amount of angelic prodding would make a difference.
Humans could be incredibly stubborn when they wanted to be, and none more so than the man beside him.
Edward rubbed his hands back and forth on his thighs and then stood up and said, "I'm ready to go now."
"Yeah?" the angel questioned with a twinkle in his eye. "And, where pray tell are we going, Eddie?"
"Home, to wait for my wife. I owe her a hell of an apology and then it's time to tell her...everything," Edward stated without missing a beat.
He was terrified beyond belief and he knew that there were things he would have to discuss that would be painful for him to say and for her to hear, but he was ready.
One day, one week, one month...one year...it didn't matter how long he had left. However long it was, he owed it to her and to everyone else to grant them the peace and forgiveness that was only his to give.
~~~~OOO~~~~OOO~~~~
Isabella drove home, barely registering the fact that it was pitch black outside. When she did finally notice and then looked down at the clock in the car, she sighed, realizing she had been gone for hours and hadn't let Edward know where she was or that she was okay. Then that thought was immediately followed by another one; he hadn't called to check on her, either. Not since the text he'd sent as soon as she left at least. Whereas her first concern had been worrying that he'd be upset because she hadn't called, his obviously was for himself...just like always.
The closer she got to home the madder she got and by the time she pulled into her driveway, all of the calm she'd felt when she'd finished talking to Nonna was nothing but a distant memory. She had been all prepared to calmly ask him once again what had been bothering him knowing that the words Nonna had told her when she kissed her goodbye were nothing but the truth.
"Even when you don't think he's listening, Cari, he hears you. Don't stop talking to him," her Nonna had told her sternly.
She tried to get a hold of her temper by counting, in Italian, in her head. She took a few deep breaths, exhaling out her nose. She clenched her fingers around the steering wheel, hoping that by relieving some of her tension, she wouldn't want to wrap them around her husband's neck and squeeze. She drove up her driveway and into her garage, saying a quick prayer to be granted the strength to say what she needed to say. Hurting Edward wasn't ever something she wanted to do, but really, she'd had all she could take.
With her hand on the doorknob, she squared her shoulders, resolved to talk to Edward, whether he liked it or not.
As soon as Edward heard the garage door open, he raced through the house and waited in the kitchen. He had been so ready to talk to her, to hold her in his arms and apologize and then have her tell him it was all going to be okay. As the night wore on, his readiness morphed to anxiety and then to downright terror that either something had happened to her or...she wasn't coming home at all.
When the door opened and he saw with his own two eyes that she was in one piece at least, he very stupidly said, "I know you're mad at me but the least you could have done was call to let me know you were all right." As soon as he saw her eyes flash, he muttered a very quiet, "fuck" and hung his head.
Isabella felt every ounce of restraint she was using snap and then slammed her keys down on the island. "You really couldn't have possibly just said that to me. I mean, really?"
She turned to him with her hands on her hips and without a doubt the most furious face Edward had ever seen.
Of course being the idiot he was, he couldn't help but stare at her either. She hadn't changed out of her shorts and t-shirt and her hair was still in a ponytail. She only had a pair of old flip-flops at her parents' house and Edward thought she had never looked sexier.
"Isabella, I'm...I..." he stuttered and then took a deep breath to start again but was cut off by her.
"You know, when I was on my way home from Dad and Mama's I realized how long I'd been gone. My first thought had been that I felt badly that you had probably been worried, but do you want to know what was the second?" she asked and Edward was at least smart enough this time not to say anything. "I realized that you hadn't called me either; the only message you sent was right after I left the office. Yeah, you apologized, but you were still more concerned about yourself than you were for me."
"Love, no," he shook his head and stepped forward. When she stepped backward, he hung his head and sighed.
"Oh, no you fucking don't, Edward," she snapped and he picked his head up and looked at her. "You do NOT get to stand there feeling sorry for yourself because for once I called you out on your shit."
"What?" he croaked.
He had never, in all the time they'd been together, ever seen her as angry and upset as she was right then and he didn't know what the hell to do.
"Do you have any idea how many nights, how many times, I would sit by the phone when you were out of town on a business trip, just hoping you would call to let me know you had made it safely or, God forbid, on the off-chance you called to say good night? Do you know how many times I check the weather, obsessively, when I know you'll be traveling home? Do you know how many sleepless nights I've spent praying for you, thinking about you, hoping that when you got home, somehow everything would be different? Do you know," she said on a sob, "how many times I slept in your bed when you were gone, because it was the only way I could feel close to you?"
He wanted to walk to her and take her in his arms and hold her because she looked so fucking fragile. He wanted the ground to swallow him whole for treating her so abominably for such a long damn time. He wanted to beg the angel, who he knew was watching, for more time to try to make up for all the pain and suffering he'd caused her over the years.
He just wanted to make everything right because she deserved no less than always being blissfully happy.
Isabella watched him swallow and saw his eyes darken with the anguish she knew he was feeling but she wasn't done yet. As much as she wanted to comfort him, she couldn't...at least not until she'd said everything she'd held in for so long.
"I've held my tongue, Edward, for the past month or so even though I have had so much I've wanted to say to you, ask you. I suppose that's my fault, but I don't even fucking know anymore," she raged at him. "All this time, for more than five years, I've loved you, with all my heart and you've stomped on it, ignored it, and taken it for granted. Every day I've spent with you, as your wife, hoping day after day after miserable day that somehow, something would spark a change in you and when you do finally change...after five damn years no less, all I get is some song and dance about a bumpy, scary plane ride? What the hell is up with that? The past month and a half has been amazing, but where the hell were you five years ago? Four, three, six months ago? You think you can just erase all of that with some flowers, a friendship bracelet, and some diamonds?" she went on and swiped at the tears that poured down her face.
"Why did it take you so long to love me the way I wanted all along? Why wasn't I enough for you right from the beginning? Why did you even marry me if all you wanted was to hide away from everyone and everything?" She knew she was being cruel and she could feel his pain at her words from across the room, but she couldn't hold it in any longer.
"Isabella, oh God, I do love you! I've always loved you!" Edward cried out, his heart pounding painfully in his chest.
Everything he'd ever feared was coming to fruition right before his eyes and he didn't know how to make her see, to make her believe he'd always loved her. He thought she'd known but it was obvious that she'd been hurting far worse than he'd ever realized.
She stubbornly shook her head, even though she knew he had, she was just too hurt, too tired, and too angry to admit it just yet. "How can I believe that, Edward? People that love someone don't go days without talking to each other, don't eat separately...and I damn sure know they don't sleep in separate bedrooms," she said and knew she'd hit her mark when she saw his eyes pinch on the sides.
Edward stood, unable to move, and felt utterly helpless which was the most horrible thing he could imagine. His wife, the love of his life, was heartbroken maybe beyond repair and it was all solely because of him. There was no one else to blame in this scenario, no one besides him that had to shoulder the burden of hurting the incredible woman across from him.
"Isabella," he said slowly, hoping she didn't tell him not to say anything. When she stood, staring at him with tear-filled eyes, looking so lost and shattered, he wasn't sure there was ever a time he'd hated himself more than right at that moment. "I love you, so fucking much. You have to know how much. I know you do. I know I've hurt you, but I never meant to. Please tell me you know that," he begged.
She was already shaking her head at him before he'd even finished the sentence. "I'm sorry, Edward, but I don't. How could I possibly know that?" she asked.
"Love, please. I know you're angry at me and I deserve every bit of it for the atrocious way I have treated you, but please, please tell me you believe me when I tell you I love you. Please," he said pitifully.
If she didn't believe anything else out of his mouth, ever, she had to believe that or else nothing else mattered.
Isabella hunched her shoulders and rubbed her temples before she picked up her head and looked at him. "I know you love me, Edward, but that doesn't fix everything. You haven't trusted me enough, trusted in us enough, to share anything with me. I suppose I'm as much to blame for that as you are because I let you get away with shutting me out. I've stood by your side; I've supported you against your family because I love you, but haven't pushed you to give me the answers that I damn well know I deserve. No more though, Edward. I'm done indulging your need to run from every little thing that reminds you of...I don't even know what because you haven't shared anything with me. When will you learn, when will you trust me enough to share all the things that make you...you?" she said between gasps as she fell completely apart in front of his eyes.
He was at a total loss as to what to even say to her for everything he thought sounded woefully inadequate. He'd failed her, in every possible way, and if he could, he'd throw himself before her on his knees and beg for her to inflict as much pain on him as he had to her, but there was no way she would, or could, do that. Isabella never hurt anyone, and certainly never on purpose and he'd never felt more unworthy of her than he did standing before her broken, weary body.
He continued to stare at her and for the first time since he met her, she looked afraid and defeated and it tore at him in a way he couldn't even describe. His stomach felt heavy, his heart even more so and if, by the grace of God or whatever higher power had sent Seth to him, he was somehow granted the time he so desperately wanted with her, he wouldn't fucking ever forget the way she looked or the way her voice sounded.
She began to shake, her shoulders moving up and down just seconds before he heard her breathing come in short, deep, gasps. A sound that was a cross between a scream of agony and a cry of despair escaped her lips and before he could stop himself, Edward flew across the room and wrapped his arms around her. Her entire body seemed to melt against his and he tried with all his might to absorb every ounce of her sorrow and heartache so she wouldn't have to feel it any longer. He whispered over and over again how much he loved her and though his tears flowed just as freely as hers did, hers singed his skin like acid for he knew that every single one of them was because of him.
"Shh, love, it's okay. I've got you," he crooned in her ear as he pressed a gentle kiss to her temple.
Isabella gave in to the comfort she felt being in his embrace and breathed in deeply through her nose. Immediately she recognized his totally unique scent...a mixture of spice, warm honey, and a trace of...something that always reminded her of a fall day after it rained. She had no idea what any of it was, not really, and she would never be able to adequately describe it, but she would recognize it anywhere. It was why, even when they didn't share the same bed, she took his pillowcase when she changed the sheets on his bed. He always thought Charlotte took care of that, but she was the one that took care of cleaning his room. It was the only way she could keep a part of him with her. That thought caused her to immediately tense in his arms and when he squeezed in an attempt to keep her calm...she lost the last bit of the hold she had on her emotions.
"Let me go, Edward!" she screamed as she twisted out of his arms. She turned on him and in a hysterical voice shouted, "You don't get to hold and comfort me, not when this is all your fault. You just take and take and take and I stupidly and blindly continue to give and give and give. Well, guess what? My giving days are over."
Edward was too shocked to do anything except take what she had to say. Of course he knew that everything she was saying was the truth, so how could he argue with her? To make the situation even more torturous, there wasn't an explanation he could give that would ease any of her pain. He'd been hurt and broken by his parents, yes, but he'd done the same thing to her. How could he possibly ask for her forgiveness if he was unwilling to forgive them...or Carlisle and Esme?
He wanted to ask if she was done when she stood for a few moments, breathing heavily in and out through her nose. Lord only knew he wasn't sure if he could take any more, but he knew he had to, it was the least he could do. Fuck, he was such an asshole, he screamed in his head. He'd taken the beautiful woman across from him, the one he professed to love more than anyone, and destroyed her...her spirit, her very heart and soul and all because he'd been too afraid to share the pain of his past with her. He should have known, hell, he did know, she would never reject him, no matter what he told her. He was completely and totally one hundred percent to blame for all the hurt and devastation she was feeling...no one else.
Finally, after he didn't even know how long, she said in a hoarse, agonizing voice, "I'm going to my room," and turned and left the kitchen without even looking back at him.
He heard her soft footsteps on the stairs and when she turned right to her old room instead of to the left to the room they now shared, he found himself on his knees. He was still crying; he hadn't stopped since the first words out of her mouth, but he felt like he didn't even deserve them.
"Edward," came the gentle voice of Seth the moment he heard Isabella shut her door. The fact that she didn't slam but instead shut it with a soft click somehow shattered what little control he had left.
Huge wracking sobs escaped his mouth and he'd clenched his fingers so tightly he could feel the blood drip down his hand. He wanted to scream and yell, but would never allow himself to find relief from the pain that was building inside his chest that way. He didn't deserve it.
Seth laid a hand on his shoulder and immediately he felt the soothing calm the angel exuded but he shook him off. "NO!" he screamed at him when he stood up. "Go to her. Offer her that comfort. I don't want it or deserve it, not after everything I've done to her. Please...go help her," he begged.
The angel couldn't refuse his request, even though technically, Edward was the only one he was supposed to help. In this case, Isabella was in much greater need of his help than his charge was. When Seth nodded at him, Edward turned around and stared out the window, not even wiping his face of his tears. He deserved to feel every single one of them, feel the burn of them against his skin.
He had no idea how long he stood staring out the window. He didn't even know what he was thinking about because the only thought he had was her and making sure she was okay. He knew he never should have waited this long to tell her everything and because he did, he'd caused her more pain than he already had and he wasn't sure how to deal with that. He wasn't even sure telling her about Ireland was even fair right then, because it felt more like relieving himself of a burden than helping to ease her pain. Nothing would ever excuse his behavior and what he'd done to her, at least in his mind, but she had asked for answers and he was damn well going to give them to her.
He owed her no less than that.
Sometime later he heard, "She's calmer now," from behind him and could only nod in thanks for the information.
Calmer...what the hell did that even mean? But, he was grateful for that at least.
"I have to tell her everything," Edward said, still not looking at the otherworldly being.
"Yes," Seth answered immediately.
"I've hurt her so fucking badly, she might never forgive me," Edward said forlornly.
"She loves you, Edward, she'll forgive you. She already has, remember? Right now she's in a great deal of pain and is lashing out, which she deserves to be able to do mind you, but her forgiveness isn't in question," Seth replied as he floated beside him. "Edward Anthony, I know everything she said tonight was hurtful and hard to hear, but Isabella has needed to purge herself of those built-up feelings for some time now. She's been so focused on you and making sure you were all right that she ignored her own questions and hurts. When you tell her everything you both will be able to put your past mistakes behind you and find the peace you both so desperately need and deserve. Trust me, Edward...trust her. You can do this...and you must. If you want to heal that incredible woman upstairs, you must show her that you trust her enough to share your secrets. It's time; you've known this all along," Seth said quietly but with a great deal of emotion.
"I know," Edward answered.
Wasting no time, he turned from the angel and rushed up the stairs, not even asking Seth if he was staying or not, because in this case, it didn't matter whether he did or didn't. He was telling her everything, now. He almost changed his mind when he opened her door and found her curled into a tight ball in the middle of the bed looking like a frightened, scared, little girl, but he didn't. Instead he quietly approached the side of the bed and then knelt before her and reached out and ran his hand gently through her hair and then along her cheek. He waited until she opened her eyes and when she did, he immediately said, "My love, please let me tell you everything."
~~~~OOO~~~~OOO~~~~
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