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Chapter 11 - Too Many Cymbals
BPOV
"Rose."
A roll of summer sky blue eyes. "No."
I pout. "Please?"
"No, Bella." She adds a huff and a glare.
"Come on, one hint. Edward let it slip you were helping him. Just a little tiny hint. You know you want to." She's going to cave, I know it.
She puts down the socket wrench and wipes her greasy hands on her stained, chambray-colored coveralls. "Will you drop it? Jeesh, you're as bad as Alice when Jasper's trying to keep a secret. You'll find out when it's your birthday and not before, so stop trying to make me break my promise to Edward."
"I'll ask Emmett; he loves me. He'll tell me." I grin at her, thinking I've found my ace in the hole.
"Go ahead and ask, but he doesn't know, so you're pretty much shit out of luck with that one, sweetcheeks." She laughs when I stomp my foot and growl at her.
I'm not really mad … at least not very much. Knowing that Edward's planning something for my birthday is killing me though.
"Fine," I concede, grudgingly. Honestly, I don't want to upset Edward by finding out beforehand, even if I really, really want to know what he's going to do.
"It's only another week, you big baby. You can wait."
I scoff and tighten the bolt on the engine, jerking my arm with a lot more force than completely necessary.
I have no doubt I'll love it … whatever the hell it is.
"You're going to love it though," she singsongs at the same time.
"Bitch." I laugh and nudge her with my hip as we lean over the piece of crap 1995 Chevy Caprice in auto shop. Or rather, it was a piece of crap until Rose and I got our hands on it. It gets closer to a working piece of art every day.
Rose scoots back and then pops her head up, looking over the raised hood. "Hey, Mr. Garcia, Bella and I are going to replace the carburetor and put in some new shocks, okay?"
He grunts, snorts, and shakes his head all in one continuous movement, just like he always does when it comes to the two of us, before he waves us off with a nod, mumbling, "Girls."
It's pretty much his standard reply when it comes to me and Rose, as if the single word explains everything. The first day of class when Rose and I walked in together, the man looked positively apoplectic, like he'd never seen a girl in his life. Who knows, maybe he hasn't, but really? Hasn't he ever seen Marisa Tomei kick ass in My Cousin Vinny? Ever since we both proved, quite soundly and rather impressively if I do say so myself, our automotive knowledge by reciting the mechanics of the standard internal combustion engine he pretty much leaves us to our own devices … as do the rest of the guys in class. Rose likes to tease them. Actually, what she really likes is making them look like idiots for not knowing as much as she does, whereas I just like to lose myself for an hour … and maybe get rid of some pent-up frustration by twisting and turning and sometimes banging away on a motor. Most of the time the frustration is of the Heidi and Bree variety, but sometimes it's Edward's fault. When he's to blame, it's usually of the sexual persuasion.
Oh yeah, the boy has undoubtedly had me so flustered since our "date" two weeks ago, I hardly know which way is up these days. Between sweet kisses every chance he gets at school, the not-so-sweet but totally hot things he whispers daily in Spanish class … in both languages … on top of a few extremely intense make out sessions after school in his car or mine, it's a miracle I manage to get up and dress in clothes that match every day.
And let's not forget the last few letters he's left in our notebooks. Damn. It's enough to keep me in a constant state of arousal. Jesus, the letters are so steamy they make me blush just thinking about them.
Bella, I can't wait to be inside of you
I want to taste you, all of you, every inch and everywhere
When you moan my name, I can feel it
Your hands, your mouth, yours are the only ones I'll ever want
I will love you forever
Please always be mine
I swear, the boy is going to melt my panties right off my body one of these days.
"Earth to Bella." Rose smirks and arches a perfectly-sculpted eyebrow at me. I'm hot all over, and I know my face is scarlet. "That must have been some daydream. Do you need a moment to ah … you know …" She snickers and wiggles her eyebrows. She knows exactly what I was thinking about. Well, I hope not exactly, but close enough for me to want to sink into a hole and never come out again.
"Oh, God, Rose …" I groan, mortified, and vow to kill Edward the moment I see his sexy ass. This is all his fault for being … well, so damn irresistible.
She giggles and straightens up. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I love Emmett more than my car, but that doesn't mean I'm blind. Edward's hot, always has been and he's even more so now that he smiles all the damn time. He can't seem to keep his hands off you for more than two minutes whenever you two are together. The boy is one hundred percent, without a doubt, crazy in love with you, and not the least bit shy about letting anyone know it. That's always sexy and irresistible, you know, wanting what you can't have, but he's completely off the market as much as Heidi and Bree wish it weren't so."
I snarl … snarl … at the mention of their names, which only makes Rose laugh harder.
"You can't blame them for trying, but Edward doesn't even see them. The only person he wants is you."
I sigh.
I smile.
Because it's true.
So, very, very true.
"I love him so much," I whisper, not at all worried about admitting such a thing to Rose.
She sets her wrench down and leans against the side of the car. The rest of the class is occupied doing whatever and Mr. Garcia has his nose buried in the newest issue of Automotive Weekly, so no one is paying any attention to the two of us. Not that they do much of that anyway, except for the times we catch one or more of the perverts staring at our butts as we bend over the engine. My stomach is rumbling, all knotted and twisted. Not in a bad way, but in a nervous 'I really need to talk to someone who's not supposed to be a mother figure' type of way.
Like a best girl friend kind of way.
I've needed this ever since dinner at Edward's house. Needed to talk to someone about all the feelings and worries and confusing thoughts I have. The thought of talking to Maggie makes me want to throw up. And Phil, um … not just no, but hell no. I'm not confused about Edward, but it's everything else. I guess it's kind of Edward, too, because most things these days are about him, even if it's in some roundabout way.
I feel like I'm going out of my mind sometimes.
"Spill it, sister. What's got you all frazzled?"
I stare at her for a moment. Her blue eyes could so easily be cold and calculating, but instead they're as warm as the Caribbean Sea. "I don't know what I'm doing half the time. Edward's totally amazing and I know he loves me, probably just as much as I love him. I get scared that he's going to get tired of waiting for me and decide I'm not worth all the hassle."
"Bella," she says softly and without even a hint of the condescending attitude I've seen her put off more than a few times. "Why do you think he's going to give up on you … which will never - fucking ever - happen, just so you know."
"It could," I argue stubbornly.
Not that I want it to happen. Just thinking about it makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry, but I'm not stupid. A whole lot frustrated and scared sometimes, though. She huffs, sounding a bit more annoyed, but mostly just confused.
Join the club.
"He tries so hard," I begin and stare at the ground. "He thinks I don't see or can't tell, but I know he gets disappointed with me when I feel like I need to be at home instead of out with him or hanging out with you all. It's not that I don't want to, you know?" The question is meant to be rhetorical, but she answers anyway.
"No, Bella. I don't know."
When I look up at her, her eyes are shimmering with tears. So very un-Roselike.
She shrugs her shoulders and purses her mouth before she starts. "None of us has ever been in your shoes so how can any of us know what you're feeling? And Edward doesn't get disappointed with you. He just hates feeling helpless. He would do anything for you, give you anything, and the one thing you want more than anything else is your mom back. All he wants is for you to be happy. It's hard for him to see you sad, and he's a guy so he probably doesn't always handle that like he should, but he tries."
Rose. She's such a softie. She only lets a few people see this side of her. Thank goodness I'm one of the lucky few that do.
"I know, Rose." I sniff and look up at her again.
"I do know," I say a bit more emphatically, though I think that's more for my benefit than for hers. "It's everything else, too."
She chuckles a little bit and tilts her head to the side, motioning me to the two battered, mismatched plastic chairs in the corner by the workbench. Once she unzips her coveralls and lets them hang from her waist, she sits, faces me, and says, "Go."
So I do.
"Dinner at his house was so incredible … his parents, especially his mom, seeing them together, just being in that environment … it was everything I thought it would be and more. I was so nervous I'd make a fool out of myself, but they were nothing but welcoming." I ignore the snort she lets loose at the very obvious understatement and keep going. "Ever since then, it's like some sort of switch has been flipped, and not just for Edward, but for me, too. He's flirtier than ever, always touching me or whispering all kinds of sweet and not-so-sweet things in my ear and when he kisses me …" I have to take a deep breath and press my fingers to my cheeks in a pitiful attempt to cool the rush of heat that I know has turned my face into the color of a stoplight.
"When he kisses me," I breathe out, "it's like I can feel it … everywhere. My toes, the tips of my fingers, hell, I think even my ears and my elbows tingle. I've never felt like this before, about anyone, ever. This all-consuming, mind-blowing, totally terrifying feeling of being completely out of control. I'll walk through my house sometimes and forget where I'm going. I'll sit at my drums and start thinking about him and the next thing I know, thirty minutes have passed. In Spanish class, I sometimes think about what would happen if I just turned around, climbed over the desk and kissed him senseless. When we're in English and Mrs. Peterman is lecturing and we're supposed to be taking notes, I miss half of what she says because I can't stop staring at his fingers and remembering what they feel like when he touches me." I'm spewing so fast, words bubbling out of my mouth, I'm not even sure I'm making sense at this point.
"I want to be with him … all the time. Not just a few frantic minutes between classes or rushed kisses in the parking lot before he has to go to practice. I want to sit on the couch and watch TV with him, even if it's that ridiculous Full Metal Jousting show he loves so much. I want to hang out with you guys at Jasper's house. I want to go to a football game on Friday night and then to a party, where we'll find a corner and make out; or spend a few hours doing totally teenager things like beer pong or where me, you, Ali, and Ang laugh at our boyfriends for acting like idiots. I want to go with you and Alice to Seattle to watch the guys play soccer. I want to go out on a date with my boyfriend. Dinner, a movie, a walk to get ice cream, and then end with making out until our lips hurt." I sigh and choke on my words as I try to finish because I'm about four seconds from completely losing it. "I just want to be normal and do normal things like any other eighteen-year-old girl with a hot, sexy boyfriend … and I can't."
Rose doesn't speak for a few uncomfortable minutes. I can tell by the way she keeps huffing and the way her eyes are furtively bouncing from object to object that she's working her way up to saying something - obviously something I most likely don't want to hear. She'll say it anyway. She's Rose, it's who she is … honest to a fault.
"It's not that you can't, Bella; it's that you won't."
Her words steal my breath and without thinking I'm on my feet, ready to tell her to go to hell, birthday secrets and carburetors be damned.
She holds her hands up and her eyes glisten, unshed tears and a dip between her eyebrows, too.
Seeing her upset takes the fight right out of me and I fall back into my seat. My heart still clenches and my stomach knots because I'm not sure I'm ready to hear what she's about to tell me. "When Edward first told me about how he found you, stalked you, then fell for you, my first instinct was to roll my eyes and want to slap him upside his head."
Unable to stop myself, I snort and flash her a quick smile. "That's your first instinct to everything everyone says!"
"Shut it, Swan." She grins, but it falls as fast as it appears. "But listening to him talk about you, about your mom and what you've been through, and about your dad, too - he was literally in pain."
A sob escapes and I clap my hands over my mouth.
My Creeper.
Always so ready to take on the world for me.
Rose sighs, but it's not in annoyance or anger, not at all. Instead, it's full of empathy … not pity, thank you very much … and friendship. She squats down so that she can look me in the eyes and in a sisterly gesture that brings even more tears, she pushes a strand of wayward hair behind my ear. "He loves you, Bella. You're his whole world and I've never seen him happier than he's been over the last few months, since he found you. And all he wants is for you to be happy. I think …" She falters and then takes a deep breath, then another before she starts again. "I think your mom would want the same, too. I might not understand what it's like for you, but I can imagine how afraid you must be to try to carry on without her."
She softens her voice until it's barely above a whisper and looks at me. A few tears fall from her eyes and I can't help but watch as they slowly slide down her cheeks. She finishes, saying, "But I think you need to keep trying, even if it's hard and even if it scares the shit out of you. Spending every day too scared to be happy isn't living at all … it's just existing."
"But, Rose … I don't … I can't … I just …" I stutter between shaky breaths.
She squeezes my hands and stands up. Looking down at me she says softly, "Just think about it. We just got you, we'd like to play with you, too, even though Edward's never been very good at sharing." I chuckle a little, feeling lighter and like the tight knot that had settled in my chest has loosened just a bit. She grins and her eyes sparkle. "Mrs. C always used to pack extra cookies in his lunch when we were younger and that jackass never shared one damn time!"
"Why doesn't that surprise me? He sure does love his cookies," I tell her and then brace myself when I see Rose's mouth twist in a knowing grin.
"Well, he sure loves your cookies, Swan."
"Shut it, Hale."
The final bell rings just as Rose and I remove our coveralls. I follow her out of school and into the parking lot, lost in my own head as I think about what she said. I hear Emmett holler for Rose and she waves goodbye before hurrying toward him. As I watch Em wrap her up in a big hug that lifts her off her feet and hear her giggle float through the air, I can't help the surge of wistfulness that spreads through me. She and Alice are leaving in the morning to watch the guys play their first match of the season in Seattle. They asked me to go, but I told them I couldn't.
I think back on what Rose said and amend my thought; I could go, I just won't.
Then I think of my mom, lying in her bed day after day after day. Can she hear me when I talk, sense me next to her or feel when I hold her hand? I hope so. I want to believe it so badly, but as more days turn into more weeks, my faith that she'll come back to me fades. I still cling to the belief that she will, but it's getting so hard.
But what if she opened her eyes, even for a split second, long enough to look at me, and I wasn't there? If she was all alone? Just the thought is enough to stop me dead in my tracks and for my chest to heave and tears to spring into my eyes.
Just when I feel like I'm about to fall completely apart, there are two arms around my waist.
"Hey, baby." Edward's voice washes over me and fills every part of me.
He spins me around and the smile on his face falls the second he sees me. "Bella, oh God, what is it?"
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