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Chapter 14 - The Drumroll
BPOV
My phone vibrates with an incoming text message and I peek at the clock. 12:00 on the dot. Edward, Rose, or Emmett? My heart skips a beat as I turn my cell over. Edward. Of course it's him. The girliest giggle ever squeaks out as I read his message.
Midnight on the dot, how's that for timing? Happy Bday baby. It's going to be a most excellent yr, I hope I can make all your dreams come true. ILY!
Sighing, I hold the phone to my chest and I can feel my cheeks lift from my smile. I kick my feet because there's so much inside of me I feel like I might explode. Sometimes it seems too good to be true - he seems too good to be true. He loves me. So much. Like bigger than Mt. Everest and taller than a California redwood and wider than the Grand Canyon loves me.
It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I roll over and look at the clock, the bright red numbers no longer taunting me as they once did. There are days when the restlessness gets bad, and times when I feel like I can't get enough air in my lungs, that I still escape outside, needing the space, and just for a little while, to be free. They are fewer and farther between. It's a good thing and immediately on the heels of that thought … it's the worst thing ever. I gasp and that thought slams into my chest like a wrecking ball. I pull my knees closer to my chest, curling myself into the fetal position. I don't want them to be less because then ... then ... that might mean I've accepted what's happened to Mom, that I'm okay with it.
I'll never be okay with it.
But a little voice whispers in the back of my mind … I'm getting there.
I know I am.
A little bit more every day.
My skin may still feel too tight for my body sometimes, and the need to play to help ease the crushing pain and bitterness still makes my fingers twitch, but I know deep down that things are changing.
I curl a little more and squeeze my eyes a little tighter and take a few deep breaths. Now is not the time for this. Tomorrow, or later today, is going to be hard enough for me and Edward. I shouldn't dwell on things I can't change today. I read his text message again and the knot in my chest loosens enough that it doesn't feel like my lungs are being squeezed in a vice. In and out a few more times, and I stretch and roll onto my back. Staring up at the ceiling, but not really seeing anything, I let my mind wander and smile when it, as always, finds its way to Edward.
Always Edward.
I rub my chest, right above my heart and I swear I can feel it get bigger when I think about today. While introducing him to Mom is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done, I can't help but look past that to what the rest of the night might bring. He's been a giddy fool all week, worse than Emmett when he has a joke he's just dying to tell. It's adorable.
Thinking about him makes words form in my head, and behind those words, I hear the beat of his song. He can't fool me. He hasn't mentioned it for weeks, hasn't asked one time about it, but there's no way he's forgotten. It's done. I haven't told him so because I'm saving it for the perfect time. It's his after all. I don't know when that will be, but I'll know it when it comes. I grab my iPod and turn on some music, letting my thoughts meander like a clear stream over pebbles. Edward, or some connection to him, is in each one so I do the only thing I can, I reach for his notebook and the silly pen that never fails to put a smile on my face.
Rolling over onto my stomach, feet crossed in the air, I bob my head to the song. As I start to write, I wonder for a brief moment if he's also writing in my notebook. I smile. I know he is; he wouldn't be Edward if he wasn't.
Hey Creeper,
Guess what? It's my birthday! Guess what else? You were the first person to wish me Happy Birthday! You beat Emmett by about thirty seconds and Rose was right behind him. Ha! She'll be so pissed!
I'm glad you were the first.
I'm glad you're going to be the first for lots of things. OMG I can't believe I just wrote that, but it's the truth. You're the first person I've ever loved like I do, you're going to be the first person I've ever introduced to my mom and well, you're the first guy that's ever seen my boobs. (btw … they say hello and um … they kind of miss you.) And that other first, the one we talk about but don't really talk about? Yeah, I'm super glad you're going to be that first, the only first.
I love you so much, Edward.
Do I tell you that enough? Idk, sometimes I'm not sure I do. Do I tell you often enough that you're the most amazing person I've ever met? Do I tell you that I'm so very glad you found me in the woods that first night and kept coming back again and again and again, even when I was so scared and unsure? Do I tell you enough that you've changed my whole life and made me happier than I ever dreamed I could be?
If I haven't, well, now you know.
For the longest time, well, since Mom's accident, I've been dreading this day. It's always seemed like, or I guess I'd built it up in my mind that the moment I turned 18, there would be some instantaneous change, like the flip of a switch … and I'd be all alone. But that's not really the case. Because of you, I've gotten closer to Phil and Maggie. I have amazing friends who I know would do anything for me. I have your mom and dad … and best and most important of all, I have you. I never, ever, imagined there was a "you" out there for me. I was too scared to hope, too bitter to dream, but then one night you found me in the middle of the woods and didn't give up on me.
Because of you, I think about things like college and traveling the world and doing things with my life. Because of you, I'm not so afraid of the future … even though I'm still not ready to let my mom go. Because of you, I go to bed at night and wake up in the morning not dreading the day, but instead excited to see what will happen. Because of you, I have someone that makes me happy and loves me, for me.
In case I forget to tell you later, thanks for making my birthday one I'll never forget. I don't need to make a wish when I blow out my candles (I do get candles on my cake, don't I?) because I've already got the best gift ever. You.
I love you, Edward. With all my heart.
Yours always,
DG
Closing the notebook, I roll out of bed and head for the kitchen. I glance at the plate on the center of the island. I can't help the laugh that starts in my belly and bubbles up my throat and bursts out of my mouth. He's going to shit his pants when he sees these cookies. Guess I shouldn't tell him I wasn't planning on sharing with him. Poor thing, he'd be devastated. I wrap up the plate and scoot out of the side door. The second my feet hit the top step, there's such a sense of peace it takes my breath away. All-encompassing, soothing … and most of all, living and breathing. It's because of Edward. He's coming. I can feel him. My body reacts like it always does - lighting up from the inside and every inch of it tingles. If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was already out there watching, waiting, but I do.
I know my Creeper. He loves to watch me, and I certainly enjoy when he does, but there's no way he'd stay hidden while I'm here. First, I have cookies, and second, he loves kissing me, touching me, too much to stay so far away if he doesn't have to. But I do need to hurry if I don't want him to see me. Somehow I think that would spoil things … just a little bit.
Smiling, I leave his notebook and cookies on my stool. I squeal just a little, another momentary indulgence to that giggly girl who seems to want to come out to play more often these days, and my tummy flutters when I think about what he might have written to me tonight. No doubt something guaranteed to make me cry and smile and feel like I want to fly one second, then, tackle him to the ground and make him say "please" the very next.
Oh, my, definitely more tingles now, especially down there.
Hurrying toward the house, I have to stop and look back one more time at the forest. He's in there, somewhere, coming closer. Coming to me. Because he loves and needs me every bit as much as I do him. Presents, dinners, and surprises are sweet and all, but there's nothing on Earth I need more than Edward. I look up to the sky and whisper, "Thank you for sending him to me. I'm going to love him forever," before I slip inside and make my way to my room where I know dreams of him are only minutes away.
The annoying God-awful hum of my phone vibrating beneath my pillow rouses me from a sound sleep. Blindly, I reach for it, thinking it has to be Edward or Rose.
"'Lo," I mumble and swallow a few times so that my words don't stick to my throat like peanut butter.
"Bella. Happy birthday, sweetheart!" Phil's voice floats through the phone.
I can't help but smile though I groan when I crack my eyes open and see what time it is. Ugh, eight is way too early to be up on a Saturday, especially when I didn't go to sleep until late.
"Thanks," I manage to croak, and I wince. My voice still sounds like I've chain-smoked cigarettes for months on end.
He chuckles. "I thought the big to-do was tonight, not last night, or did you start celebrating early?"
I roll over and sit up, scooting backward until my back rests against the headboard. I yawn, and I hear him snicker again.
"Ha ha, no, dinner and stuff is tonight. I uh … went to the football game with Edward, Rose, and everyone else last night. I didn't fall asleep 'til late," I tell him as I pick at imaginary lint on my comforter. "Besides, you know it's only eight in the morning, right?"
"Oh hell, Bella, I'm sorry. I always forget the time difference."
I smile. He's in New York City for a playoff game, so it's no wonder he forgot. "Yeah, it's almost lunch time where you are while for me the sun's barely had time to come up." I'm exaggerating, but I really do want to crawl back under my covers and go back to sleep for an hour or four.
"I wish I could be there to celebrate with you," he says softly and my breath hitches at the emotion I hear in his words.
"Me, too," I answer, meaning it fully. Our relationship is in a totally different place compared to last year. "But, you'll be done soon … though hopefully not too soon."
He laughs a little bit. "Sometime mid-October would be just fine with me. I'm not getting any younger you know. I don't have much time left to win the big one."
There's silence for a few moments and it's a little awkward, but only because there's so much to say but not really enough time. I surprise him quietly with, "Edward's going to meet Mom today."
There's no missing the sharp intake of his breath. I can almost see him, staring at the phone, mouth agape and eyes wide open.
"That's … ah … damn, sweetheart." He struggles for another few beats then says, "You must really care about him a lot."
I chuckle and then lay my hand over my stomach because thoughts of Edward, today of all days, have the butterflies inside swooping and fluttering like crazy. "You could say that. I can't wait for you to meet him; he's so amazing."
Phil doesn't say anything and then I hear him take a deep breath. "I'm so happy for you, Bella. Everytime I talk to you, you sound more and more like the girl that used to sing and dance in the kitchen and beg me to watch scary movies with her on the weekends, even though you spent more time hiding behind your hands than looking at the television. I've missed her, missed you. It's so good to see you so happy. It's all I want for you."
I sniff.
Then the tears come when he says, "Your mom would be so proud of you."
I smile though through the tears. Maggie's told me the same thing, Rose, too, even Edward has, but hearing it from Phil means so much more. He knows Mom in a way no one else does. "I know."
Thankfully we don't dwell and he begins talking about his upcoming game and we make plans for after the season is over. "You tell that boy that I'm looking forward to meeting him soon."
"I will. I think Emmett and Jasper are even more excited to meet you than Edward. I'll warn you now about Emmett, if you don't come bearing gifts like signed jerseys and baseballs, he's liable to cry … and believe me, no one wants to see that." I shake my head just thinking about the big softie.
"You got it. Your friends sound great. I can't wait to come and spend some time with you." I know he means it. My heart clenches just a little bit and I have to take a deep breath. I know when he comes we'll have to make some decisions, ones I'm not sure I'm ready for.
But not today.
"Good luck today. I hope you have a great game. Kick some Yankee butt," I tell him as I sit on the edge of my bed, ready to begin the day.
"Thanks, sweetheart. Have fun, and try to enjoy being the center of attention for a change. You deserve it. I love you, Bella, and I'll be thinking about you. We'll talk soon, okay?"
He's so sincere, so sweet, it's all I can do to keep from completely breaking down. "I love you, Phil. Thanks for calling."
He gasps at my easy and immediate words of love. Guess that surprised him, which is a little sad and something I definitely need to work on in the future. When we hang up, I smile and that fluttery feeling from before comes to life again. I scoot my feet along the floor and find my flip-flops, slide them on, then redo my ponytail. My hair's a wild mess and as I walk to my door and then down the hall toward the kitchen, I start thinking about how I want to fix it for later. Up because Edward loves it that way so much, or down because I want to dress up a little bit. It's dinner at his house, with his parents and our friends, and I want to look pretty.
And then those mysterious plans after dinner … who knows what Edward has up his sleeve?
I sigh at the thought. It doesn't matter what it is, it's going to be wonderful.
"Smells good in here, Mag," I greet her with light, breezy words. I feel good, so good, this morning. Phil's phone call, being with everyone later, seeing Edward soon, whatever it is, I welcome it. Even the what-I'm-sure-will-be-painful introduction of Edward to my mom doesn't feel like it's going to be that bad.
"Since I'm going to miss your dinner, I decided we'd celebrate together over breakfast. Happy birthday, honey."
She's cutting up the most delicious pineapple, my favorite, and adding it to a bowl of fruit. The colors explode inside the glass bowl and my mouth waters just looking at the rainbow. Bright yellows, greens and reds, the sweet smell of melon and banana and berries mix with the tang of pineapple and oranges. There's yogurt and granola to mix with it, along with chilled orange juice in glasses all waiting on the island.
"Maggie," I say on a sigh, feeling very overcome, very lucky, and very loved.
"Hush, girl. Now scoot your little tush outside. I know you're dying to see if that boy of yours left you something to start your day off with a smile, then we can eat some breakfast before you get busy," she says with a sparkle in her eyes as she waves a knife toward the door.
My mouth falls open. "How did you …"
"Oh please." She chuckles. "He might not need to sneak around anymore, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's stopped altogether does it?"
She winks and I'm speechless. Stunned. Holy shit.
"I … well …" I splutter and her grin is a mile wide.
"You can't fool this old lady, sweetstuff. Now, go. I'm hungry and I want to give you your present."
I wait a beat and stare at her in wonder. Today is definitely starting out way better than I ever could've imagined. I smile. I hope it's a good omen for the rest of the day. Hurrying outside, I open the bay doors. No reason to keep them closed during the daytime. I bounce on my feet, nervous anticipation racing through my veins.
He came.
I knew he would.
I love him. I love him so, so much.
Unable to wait even a second, I rush forward and pluck my notebook off the stool. I flip through the pages, my heart in my throat until I find his letter … and then it flies right up to the sky. How he always knows the perfect thing to say I'll never know, but you will never hear me complain about it either. It's just one more reason to add to an already long list of reasons why he's the most perfect boy in the whole wide world.
Maggie laughs, one that shakes her entire body, when I walk back inside. "I won't say I told you so, but I told you so."
"He's just … I … yeah." I sigh. I mean really, what else can I say at this point?
"Let's eat. You have a big day and he'll be here before you know it."
I help her carry the bowls and glasses to the table and once our plates are full she looks at me. "So do you feel any older? This is a big milestone … or I think it was, I don't remember that long ago."
My eyes roll at her. "Pffft, whatever, Mag. You are not old, not even close. And, yeah, I guess I feel a little different. I'm not sure how or why, but I kinda do."
She glances at me and then casually remarks, "This year's much different than last year, huh?"
I blow out a breath and my stomach knots a bit. "You could say that. I can't even believe sometimes that we're here, that things have turned out like they have, that Mom's still like she is. So much good mixed with so much sad. It's hard to figure out how to be happy sometimes, and to not feel guilty about laughing and enjoying myself."
Reaching for my juice, I take a drink. It's bitter, though I'm sure that has more to do with the emotion churning inside of me rather than the juice itself. Freshly squeezed and very sweet, I'm sure it's delicious. I just can't concentrate on that right now.
"Bella," Maggie begins and sets her spoon down. "Your mother would be so proud of you, so happy for you. You've found something here in Forks that's filled an empty space inside of you. Something that was missing even before what happened to your mom. I didn't know you or your mom before we met last year, but I've seen pictures, and they don't lie. You've needed Edward, needed these new friends for a long time and your mother would do nothing but encourage you to embrace it all. The good, the bad, the scary, the new, and everything in between, all of it, and make a new life for yourself."
I sniff. My throat's tight, straining as I try to keep a huge ball of emotion from rushing out of my mouth. Tears burn in the corners of my eyes and it hurts to breathe.
"I miss her. Every minute of every day. I want her here with me. I don't know how to be by myself," I whisper, staring at the table, too afraid to look at Maggie.
"That's so not true, sweetheart."
There's rustling and when I see a bright shiny blue bag overflowing with lime green and hot pink tissue paper and curlicue ribbons of every color under the rainbow spilling down the side I look up with a question in my eyes.
"Happy birthday, Bella."
The abrupt change of topic has me reeling, but there's a present in front of me and as much as I sometimes complain about receiving them, inside I like them every bit as much as the next girl. Sliding my hands through the crinkly paper I close my fingers around something cool, smooth, and hard. Pulling it out, I gasp. My fingers shake as I open the two-sided picture frame and when my brain catches up with my eyes, the images in front of me blur.
"Oh, Maggie," I breathe out, painfully and with effort.
On one side, there's a picture of me and Edward, from the day he came over and met Maggie. She must have taken it as soon as he walked in the door. His hair's a riot on top of his head, his cheeks are pink, either from running up the front porch steps or from smiling so much - probably both. Then there are his eyes. Oh, God his eyes. Vibrant, shining, Jolly Rancher green. My stomach feels like a hot air popcorn popper, bursts of fluttery feelings, one after the other, after the other. He loves me so much, and the way he's looking at me, like I'm his whole world; as if there's only one thing he's ever wanted in his entire life, and finally … finally … he has it, makes me the luckiest girl ever. I stare at myself, and see the exact same look on my face, the exact same shine in my eyes and the same smile.
My Edward.
My heart.
My gaze slides to the picture on the other side, and this time my shoulders shake and hiccups accompany the breaths that are getting harder and harder to take. Somehow Maggie found a picture of me and my mom, one I remember being taken but haven't ever seen.
"This was our last trip together," I say softly and look over at Maggie. "Mom had been going on and on about wanting to go to Hawaii, something about needing authentic lava rocks for some project she wanted to start, and when Phil's season was done, he surprised us both with a trip over Thanksgiving. It was so much fun."
Tears still flow, but the searing pain from just a moment ago is now just the ever-present dull ache. "Mom had wanted to try one of those touristy bicycles-built-for-two and Phil wouldn't do it with her. Mom wasn't known for her balance you know, so I did it. I remember Phil taking this picture of us waving as we rode by him, but I've never seen it."
"He told me that, when I asked him for a picture of you and your mom. He wanted you to have this one because he said it always reminds him of the best things about the two of you, how much fun you had together, and how much you loved each other. He says he has the same one at his apartment in Seattle and it's on his phone, too."
Maggie's words stun me, though looking at the picture again, I suppose they shouldn't. It's a beautiful picture.
I use the tip of my finger to trace over the image of my mom, so alive, so free, and I can feel the happiness she felt that day spread through me. Instead of making me sad it fills my heart with good things, the best things … a memory of a perfect day where all we did was laugh and smile and have fun. "He loved her so much and she was so happy with him."
"Bella," she begins, her voice soft but full of so much emotion. "You're not alone, not anymore. Look at that boy." She grins and points toward the picture of me and Edward. "That smile, that look on his face, is there because he loves you. Not just a little, not just kind of, but loves you with every bit of himself. It's so rare to see someone look at anyone else that way, but trust me, you will never, ever be alone as long as that boy has a breath in his body. You have me and Phil, too, always, no matter what happens, and now you have Edward and his parents and your new friends and you have a life. You have this new, exciting, sometimes overwhelming and, I'm sure, scary life, but there's a whole world out there waiting for you to experience it." She reaches over and lifts my chin so I'm looking into her eyes. "Don't ever let me hear you say you don't know how to be by yourself, because you do. You're strong, so much stronger than you think you are, you hear me? You could do it if you had to, but you don't."
I gulp, trying to suck in a huge breath but Maggie's arms around me squeeze it right back out. She lets me cry, though I don't feel all that sad. It's a strange mixture of relief … and hope. Of course the pain of not having my mom … or my dad … is there, as it always is, but there's so much more now. Things I was afraid to let myself feel or wish for, but are right there, waiting for me.
"Thank you, Mags."
She pats my back, knowing my thanks is for much, much more than a picture frame.
"Anything for you, my girl. I love you." She kisses my cheek and then stands to busy herself by clearing the dishes.
I smile at her. She's trying to be all sneaky, which she might be able to pull off if she didn't keep lifting her shoulder so she can wipe off her cheek … or if she stopped sniffing every few seconds. I go to her and stand on my tiptoes so I can reach her cheek.
"I love you, too, Maggie," I tell her softly before scooting out of the kitchen, a huge smile plastered on my face and feeling happier … lighter … than I think I've ever felt.
The feeling lasts all day.
About five o'clock my phone rings and I'm sure Edward can see my smile from his house. Before I can even say hello …
You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too-yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.
I laugh. "Are you going to ask me for my panties now?"
Dead silence. "Holy shit, baby … give a guy a warning would you before you say the p word!"
"You gotta admit, that was pretty good."
He snorts. "Yeah, it was. My girl's up on her 80s movie trivia, who knew? I'm way cuter than the geek though and you are definitely hotter than Molly Ringwald … with or without panties on."
"Nice to know you think so."
I hear him sigh and when he starts talking again, his voice has lost all measure of teasing. "I'm on my way, are you ready for me?"
"Yeah, I am. I can't wait to see you. I've been thinking about you all day."
I'm in my room and Maggie's gift is already on my nightstand. I let my gaze still on the pictures and that same sense of light and happy is as present as it's been all day. "Wait until you see what Maggie gave me, it's just … it's so perfect."
"You sound … you sound lots better than I thought you would. Are you okay?"
I reach out and touch the picture of my mom and I can almost hear the way her laugh sounded that day. "I really am. Hurry, okay? I miss you."
"Be there in less than five. I love you, Bella, so much."
I glance at our picture. I can see how much in bright, vivid color.
"I know. I love you, too."
I end the call and hurry to the bathroom so I can fix my hair and brush my teeth. He's been a busy little bee all day, or so he's told me through the numerous text messages he's sent every few minutes. The tease. He hasn't told me much about tonight, but he's been dropping hints all week, even more so today. I know we're having dinner at his house. I know that everyone will be eating with us. I have no idea what we're having or what the plans are for after dinner. All I know is what Rose told me. "If you don't kiss that boy all over his face at the end of the night, you seriously can't call yourself a girl ever again. He's getting major swoonage points, Bella. His stockpile's going to be so big, he'll be able to use them for a long, long time, like even after your honeymoon. Trust me."
Her sky blue eyes twinkled like I'd never seen them and I swear she even sighed. Rose never sighs. Ever.
My stomach flutters just thinking about it. I place my hands on the edge of the counter and let them support my weight as I stare at myself in the mirror. I look … happy. So, so happy. And content. And so very loved.
How can I ask or want anything more?
A quick inventory - black skirt that makes my legs look pretty damn good, cute shirt just tight enough to drive Edward a little crazy, hair down, straight and shiny, and smelling like peppermint, a few brushes of mascara, then lip gloss, a spray of perfume in all the right places and I'm as ready as I'm going to get.
Perfect timing, too, because just as I turn around to walk back into my bedroom, I hear the doorbell.
"Deep breath, Bella. You can do this," I murmur to myself as I head for the front door.
One more breath, in then slowly out before I turn the doorknob and there he is. Smiling so big, arms already open and waiting for me. I don't make him wait, not even a second.
"Happy birthday, baby," he says as he kisses my cheek then slides his lips until his mouth is on mine. The kiss is deep and not anywhere near long enough. "I've been waiting for that all fucking day." His eyes widen in appreciation when he steps back and looks down then slowly up. "You look fantastic. Wow."
I give myself a silent high-five for changing my mind from the pants I'd put on first to the skirt I have on now. Especially given the way Edward's eyes linger on my legs. When his eyes find mine again, my knees feel a little wobbly from the intensity of his very heated gaze. Like he'd like nothing more than to gobble me up with a spoon right here, right now.
Oh, my.
My cheeks are warm, they have to be, because I'm hot all over. Edward keeps staring which isn't helping at all. His eyes darken and his mouth lifts in a smirk that is anything but sweet. It's naughty and sexy and it makes me want things like his fingers and his tongue on every part of my body.
He reaches for my hand and slides his fingers between mine. And just like that, the mood has shifted. Not that he doesn't want me, not that I don't want him just as much, but when he gently rubs his thumb back and forth on my hand, it's as if without saying a word we tell each other that as fun as flirting is, and it's definitely high up on my list of the most fun things ever, we'll have to come back to it later.
It's okay. I'm ready.
"Thank you for coming early. This is really important to me," I tell him when I look up from our joined hands and into the eyes that are always full of so much love for me.
"I know it is and you don't have to thank me, Bella. I'll always do anything for you." He runs a hand through his hair. "I'm nervous," he answers back with a hesitant chuckle.
His immediate and unabashed honesty melts most of my nerves away. "There's nothing to be nervous about. Come on," I say as I pull him into the house. "Let's do this and then get to your house. I'm dying to see what all the fuss has been about."
He cocks his head to the side like he can't quite believe I'm teasing right now. "I'm fine, promise. Today's been great so far, and tonight's going to be even better."
"I hope so. I just wanted to make today one you won't ever forget."
"Having you in my life makes it the best one ever, everything else is just icing … on my birthday cake … hopefully cream cheese frosting; you know it's my favorite."
He chuckles again. "Bella."
"Edward." I grin right back.
I lead him down the hallway and I'm sure he's looking at everything. We stop outside of Mom's door and he squeezes my hand. I sigh … the things he does for me.
"You don't have to do this if you're not ready," I tell him, staring at the dark wooden door in front of me. I can hear the whooosh, pffft from inside. Never has opening this door felt this way, as if it's the first step toward a future I didn't even know was out there for me.
That sense of peace and light settles again and instead of being afraid of opening the door, like I've thought all along I would be, instead, I can't wait.
"Bella," Edward leans forward and whispers in my ear. "Show me. Share her with me. I'm ready. I want to do this."
He pinches my hip, just enough to make me jump and then my hand's on the door, turning the knob, and letting Edward inside.
Mom looks the same as always. Still, so very still, covered in blankets from her chest to her toes. Eyes closed, arms along her side, her mouth set in a perpetual almost-smile. I swear, sometimes, and I know it's only wishful thinking on my part, but when I tell her something, usually about Edward or Phil, I can almost see the corners lift, ever so slightly. It's a dream, I know it is, but my heart always feels a little better when I let myself believe.
"Hi, Mom," I say softly as I move to stand beside the bed. I reach for her hand. Cold as always. The skin so translucent it shows every blue vein beneath. Soft, still so soft, but these aren't my mom's hands. There's no dirt from her garden or paint from whatever project she's just started. No, they're clean, with perfectly filed brittle nails.
"Edward's here. I told you I'd bring him, even though it's taken me longer than it should have to introduce him to you."
"Hi, Mrs. Dwyer," Edward says in a shaky voice. He steps up beside me and I can't help but watch. His eyes bounce everywhere. Mom's face, her hand in mine, the machines beside the bed, around the room, from one thing to the next.
He holds his breath, then lets it out in a long, drawn-out exhale. The fingers of the hand that's not squeezing mine curl then stretch. He's nervous. Or uncomfortable. Neither is unexpected.
"She looks like she's sleeping," he whispers then clamps his mouth shut, looking at me with wide eyes as if he's said something wrong.
I let go of Mom's hand and push her hair up off her forehead. "She does."
"I asked my dad what I should expect. He tried to explain, but I didn't … I mean," he stammers and I tug on his hand until he faces me.
"Hey. There's no wrong or right way to talk to her, you know. Your dad tells me to keep talking to her, but I think that's for me a lot more than for her. He just doesn't want to say what everyone else keeps telling me; that no matter how much I want it, she's gone."
"Bella," and for the first time, I can really hear how sad Edward is for me, how much this hurts him.
I can't say anything because I know if I open my mouth, I'm liable to start crying. I don't want to cry anymore today. Not about Mom.
"I still think somehow, some tiny part of her can hear me. Maybe it's just her spirit or whatever, but she has to be able to hear me because I can hear her when we talk. All the little things she's always told me. That it's okay to eat chocolate for breakfast because there's never a bad time. She swore if you made a wish on the first star you saw at night, it would come true, no matter what it was. And that I could do anything I wanted to, even if what I wanted was to sell cotton candy at Disney all day or become the first drum playing female President." My chest hurts, it's hard to breathe, and tears begin to fall. I shake my head, a little embarrassed to let Edward see me so nakedly vulnerable. "I'm sure you think I'm just being foolish, but I know what I feel."
Edward's arm is around my shoulder and he pulls me in close. "Baby, no. Your mom sounds amazing and she loved you so much. I've been in this room only a few minutes and I can feel it, Bella. I can."
I wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head over his rapidly beating heart. "I loved both of my parents so much. They were such amazing people. It's not fair that I don't have them, Edward. I want them back."
"I know, baby. It's not fair. And I'd give them back to you if I could," he whispers as he kisses the top of my head.
"I'm going to have to let her go, too," I say, choking back a sob.
"I know."
"I don't know if I can."
He sighs and his arms hold me tighter. "I know that, too."
We stand together for a few minutes, each of us lost in our own thoughts. A wayward memory flits in my mind and I chuckle. I feel him smile. "Care to share?"
"I was just remembering this one time Dad took us all camping, even Mom. She complained the whole time, it was too hot, it was too cold, too many bugs, just on and on and on. Until it got dark and Dad made her her first s'more. She ate so many she got sick, but then begged him to make her one for breakfast."
"I wish I could have met him. Do you think he would have liked me? Oh shit, he had guns, didn't he? And probably knew all the best places to hide a body. He'd have probably taken me camping and dumped my ass in the middle of the desert with the rattlesnakes and scorpions and mountain lions." He gulps loudly and I can't help it, I laugh until there are happy tears sliding down my cheeks.
And just like that, all the heaviness is gone.
He huffs and narrows his eyes at me. "Why are you laughing? Rattlesnakes, Bella."
"Well, considering we're not in Phoenix, my dad's been gone for a long time, and as far as I know, Phil's terrified of anything that slithers on the ground, I think you're safe."
I smile at him and his answering one lights up the entire room.
We spend the next few minutes talking quietly. He asks questions, I answer as best I'm able. I think seeing her has helped him understand me and this whole situation a lot better. I'm glad for that.
"You look so much like her," he says after a few minutes of silence.
"I've always thought so. Growing up everyone always told me I looked just like my dad. I think it was the hair, but once it was just me and Mom, I didn't see much of my dad in me anymore."
Edward finds the picture hanging on the wall beside Mom's bed of my parents and me on our last trip to Disney. "It's the eyes. You have his, but your smile, that's all your mom."
My heart fills so much I swear it might just fly away.
"I love that you said that, thank you."
"Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it's not easy."
Silly boy, doesn't he know that with him, everything is easy?
"Are you ready to go? I don't want to keep everyone waiting," I turn toward him and ask.
"They can wait. We'll stay however long you need."
And again, I wonder how it's possible to love him any more.
I turn back around and kiss Mom's cheek. "We're going to go now, Mom. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow, okay? I love you."
When Edward steps around me and leans over, my heart stops. Gently, so, so gently, he kisses her forehead. "I'm going to take such good care of her, Mrs. Dwyer. You don't have to worry about her ever again. I promise."
My voice has disappeared, but as soon as we walk out the front door, without saying goodbye to Maggie, I fling myself at him. Arms around his neck, legs around his waist, as close as I can possibly get and I kiss him so long and so hard, showing him everything I only wish I could say.
Thank you
I love you
Because of you, I'll never be alone again.
When we come up for air, Edward's eyes are a little wild. "Um … not that I'll ever complain about you using me as your personal tree and by all means, you can kiss me like that whenever the urge strikes you, but what the hell was that?"
I shrug my shoulders and grin. "Just felt like kissing you is all."
His eyes burn into mine and I have no doubt he knows exactly what that was … and why I kissed him. He knows every part of me.
"Well, like I said, feel free to do it again." He kisses me quickly on the cheek. "And again." He slides his lips to my neck, scraping his teeth along my skin until he bites down on my earlobe. "And again." And this time it's his tongue in my mouth leaving me breathless and dizzy.
"Come on." He laughs as he pulls me down the stairs and toward his car. "We gotta get the hell out of here before all my hard work is ruined … or Emmett starts eating without us."
~~~~OOO~~~~OOO~~~~
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